Hey, everyone.
Judging by the title of this post, I'm likely to draw a crowd that isn't my usual one, therefore introductions are in order. Hello. I am Bryan C. Laesch, the Writer, and this is my blog. Usually I write stuff relating to MBTI and INTJs, and this time will be no exception. Originally, it wasn't going to have the INTJ angle, but since I present everything in here as fact like only an INTJ can, I may as well present it from that angle.
But first, let me start this off by saying that contrary to popular belief, INTJs do like hugs. I should know as an INTJ myself. I quite enjoy them, although I am very selective about whom I hug. But this post isn't about who to select embrace--this is a technical manual on how to give someone what I have deemed... The Perfect Hug.
Now, you may think "all hugs are perfect" or some sentimental BS like that, but that's blatantly false. Through the hugs I've given and received, I've noted the qualities that make a good hug and the qualities that don't. And because I'm an INTJ, I'm probably right and only possibly wrong.
But before I begin, I want to do a shameless self-plug. If you enjoy my writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon. $1 a month really helps me out, but I will accept more if you feel like it. Don't worry though, I offer plenty of rewards for higher dollar amounts. Also, I released a new book a couple of weeks ago called Tales of Romance: Unlikely Lovers. I'll bet you $2.99 that INTJs can write romance.
With that out of the way, let's get on with the show.
The Perfect Hug
But before I give you the skinny on how to perform The Perfect Hug, a question: what is The Perfect Hug? It's exactly what it sounds like. No mystery here. However, judging by some of the hugs I've seen, it seems to be quite a mysterious and little-known about technique and phenomenon. However, I can tell you that The Perfect Hug does leave an impression on you. You remember it long after you have experienced it. To prove it to you, I'm going to give you two examples of The Perfect Hug that I experienced myself. But in order to do so, we must go... into the past.
May 2007
When I was a young man of a tender 18-years old, not even graduated from high school yet, I had the privilege of sharing a rather powerful embrace with my high school's campus minister. Now, that may seem a little weird to some of you, but Mrs. LaRocca was the affectionate sort. Our principal even joked about it at graduation or some other similar ceremony.
Anyway, I had stopped by the school to pick up my personal files and show off my cool Gothic, spiky hat and my cool Gothic, Hot Topic shorts with the chains. Who would have thought that I, a very straight-laced student, was into spikes and chains and metal and sh*t. Anyway, I was passing by Mrs. LaRocca's office and she called me into it and we had a short discussion. About what? I can't remember. But as I was getting up to leave, Mrs. LaRocca went in for the hug and I didn't refuse her. She squeezed affectionately and I returned the sentiment. Then she squeezed again, and I squeezed back. And then finally, there was a third set of squeezes. I'm not complaining about the squeezes, but it is strange that there was three of them in a sequence, and the hug was sort of long.
Some may think that Mrs. LaRocca was copping a feel, but I highly doubt that. Even if she was, there's nothing I could do about it as she is deceased now, and besides, the hug was burned into my mind. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So even if I was a victim...
November 2017
For the next example of The Perfect Hug, we now skip to a more recent date. Back in November, there was a momentous occasion in the form of my high school reunion. Peculiar how both of these are related to my old high school. Anyway...
At the end of the night, my two hot dates, actually two girls who graduated the year after me that I took as my guests, went to say goodbye to another girl, Jessica, from their class who had married a guy from my class. And the goodbyes took a while. I had already stayed later than I meant to and it was a quarter to one in the morning. All I wanted to do was leave because I was tired and sort of disappointed with how the evening had turned out. But then something special happened.
My guests finished their goodbyes and I similarly went to wish a good night to Jessica just to be cordial. I didn't dare presume a hug from her as she and I were never that close, but she decided to give me one anyway. Although, that decision might have been alcoholically induced as she was pretty spiffed.
According to her, she had been drinking since noon and there was plenty of alcohol at the reunion. She even had a small plastic cup full of wine when she went to hug me. But because I don't believe in giving whimpy hugs, I went ahead and pulled her in tightly. It was just for a second or two as I had pulled her off balance and spilled her wine a little. I apologized, but Jessica said it was fine, commenting she appreciated the tightness. She set her wine down and came back for round two. And I tell you, she really gave it the beans. And what can I say, I don't give whimpy hugs, so I returned the sentiment. It was the best hug I had received in more than six months, and it's probably the best hug I've had in the past six months.
But that's the point of The Perfect Hug. You remember it long (long, long, long) after the fact because it touches you like nothing else can. It turns a sh*tty night into a great one, and keeps an administrator burned into your head after her death and makes you model every hug you give after that after the one you shared with her. That's the power of The Perfect Hug.
The Technique
Alright. With story time out of the way, now we can dive into the how-to.
1. Get on My Level
The first step is good news for all those who have bad backs or for those dudes who have accidentally choked themselves on the huggee's shoulder when bending over. The first step is to be on equal ground as the object of your affection. However, this does not simply mean that you're both standing on a level surface as if one of you is taller than the other, it will still be awkward as hell. No, no.
In order to "be on the same level," I suggest matching the level of your torsos or heads. If that means that one of you needs to step down or step up, or one of you needs to pick the other up (only do so when necessary), then do so. You may also both sit down, but there is a caveat to this which I'll get into in just a moment.
Anyway, having your torsos on the same level will allow you both to have the proper body positioning and leverage for the next few steps, hence why I try to dissuade you from picking up the object of your affection.
2. Open Yourself Up (to Love!)
Having someone put an arm around your neck or waist is a great feeling. There's no feeling quite like camaraderie or like the sensation of "this is mine." But... it's a fact that side hugs suck. Car hugs suck. And most of the time, sitting hugs suck because you've got a bunch of legs in the way. The caveat to the sitting hug I mentioned is this: the smaller one of you should sit in the bigger person's lap, legs angled to the side obviously, or just go ahead and straddle the bigger person.
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| Swag Activated |
3. Where You Stickin' Those Hands?
This is more about arm placement than your hands. Anyway, my tip here is that the smaller person should wrap their arms around the other's neck, and the bigger should wrap their arms around the middle to lower back. I understand that this embrace may be too "intimate" or "personal" for certain situations, in which case I'd day the smaller person can wrap their arms around the other's torso, and the bigger one will wrap their arms around the other's upper back.
However, do not take this opportunity to play a game of grab ass. This is The Perfect Hug. It's a sign of unconditional love, not bow-chicka-wow-wow.
4. Keep Your Butt In
Do you ever get the urge to just give someone a swift kick in the ass? I get the feeling all the time. But I am an INTJ, so... But! I do get this feeling the most when I see people hug and they stick their butts out. Now, you may argue that some people's butts are sticking out because they're leaning over to hug a person who's sitting, but this scenario violates step number one, therefore...
But it really drives me crazy when I see people who are standing and doing it. What? Are you afraid of getting close? Then why are you hugging? And if it's got something to do with preserving each other's hair, I swear to God, somebody's gettin' a booting tonight!
Some may then ask the question, "But what do I do if the guy I'm hugging is, ahem! Excited?" If you don't like feeling a boner or a specific someone's boner, don't engage in the hug. But this is about The Perfect Hug, and there are no boners in The Perfect Hug. Again, this is about unconditional love and not brown chicken, brown cow. So once one is popped, you don't need to worry about having perfect form anymore. Plus, the dude with the erection ruined the hug first, so you don't need to feel guilty about not being able to give The Perfect Hug.
5. Squeeze!
This is the trickiest part of the hug because so many overdo it, and instead of being an affectionate cuddle, the hug turns into a sick, new WWE wrestling move. I remember one hug I got from a friend of mine. She was enthusiastic about it at the time because she had been going through a tough time and I was there for her in her time of need. But when we embraced, her hands landed at the base of my neck, and so when she squeezed, it was actually painful.
Ergo, the amount of pressure you want to aim for is tighter than when you first embrace, but there's no need to put all your strength into it. You can get a little enthusiastic and squeeze harder than necessary, but if the huggee starts twitching or screaming, you've gone too far.
6. It's More Than a Feeling
It's ironic that I say it's more than a feeling because that's what this bit is about--the "feeling" of The Perfect Hug. A better word would be the "intention" or "aura." And as I have already stated, The Perfect Hug is about unconditional love. There's nothing pervy or romantic about it; it's just love and acceptance.
Some may argue that you don't need a proper form or technique to pull off such an embrace so long as the unconditional love is there, but let's get real; proper alignment, form, and technique can all be sort of hypnotizing when executed properly. Not to mention it puts you, the hugger, into the right frame of mind where you can drum up the feeling of unconditional love and pass it along to the huggee. If however it takes you a moment to feel the love before you can "activate" it, I suggest a brief meditation right before so you can put your mind at peace and feel the love fill you up.
Conclusion
And there you have it! A step-by-step guide to The Perfect Hug. Not to mention, this also concludes what may become the first of a new series on my blog: An INTJ Gives Advice. I can give life changing advice and challenge INTJ stereotypes at the same time! Yippy-skippy! But seriously, I truly meant everything I said here. I will never forget the hug I had with Mrs. LaRocca or Jessica, and they are the goals I strive for when I give a hug, although it can be frustrating when the object of my affection doesn't put in the same amount of work. Story of an INTJ's life... well, sort of, but not really.
Anyway, for next week, I plan on writing those two posts on whether an INTJ believe in love and what INTJs think about during and after they make out. Hopefully they help move a few copies of Tales of Romance: Unlikely Lovers. So be on the look out for those posts sometime next week. And, as I always say...
Keep writing, my friends.
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