As you can tell from the title, this is what I thought up for Thanksgiving week--a bunch of smut with an INTJ twist. Now, you will see some vulgar phrases, at least in the parenthetical translations, but there are some things you won't find. For instance, I don't talk about anyone's "flesh sword" because it's just too dumb to translate. You also won't find any mentions to things like "milfs" because the translation would be too complex, nor will you find anything about "69" because it's just too dirty.
Admittedly, there are a number of things I could add, either other sexy things that are said or multiple translations for one vulgar phrase, but I decided to stay away from repeating myself or duplicates because then I could be at this all day. That's also why I cut it down to twenty-five things, rather than going for as many as I could. This was supposed to be a quick, fun thing and not consume a lot of brain power, but it's already not that. So, without further ado, here is the INTJ way of saying twenty-five sexy, dirty, salacious, and raunchy things.
1. I have the intense carnal desire to ravage your mind and body in the most beautiful way possible so as to leave you a convulsing mass, miring in viscous bodily fluids and the purest state of ecstasy achievable on the mortal plane.
(I want to f*ck you senseless!)
2. Shall we consummate our union?
3. I cannot deny the excellence of your figure.
(You're so f*cking hot.)
4. While I don't support the idea of nude images being sent via cordless transmission, I do however long for your visage.
(Send me a nude selfie.)
5. I appreciate the diligence you put into your fitness regimen, especially with regard to your posterior.
(You've got a great booty!)
6. I appreciate the view of your uncanny valley.
(You've got great t*ts!)
7. I would revel in the instant if you elected to reveal yourself to me.
(Show me your t*ts!)
(Take your clothes off.)
9. Your entirety demands my attention.
(You get me so hard!)
10. My passions are inflamed.
(I'm so horny!)
11. I'm going to rub my face against your breasts in a back-and-forth, lateral movement while feeling rather silly and achieving nothing, but I am loathed to surrender the privilege of doing so.
(I'm going to motorboat you!)
(Assume the position.)
The Beast with Two Backs
13. Ah... You're ready...
(You're so wet!)
14. Will I have to discipline you?
(Does somebody need a spanking?)
15. Whom proclaims himself your compassionate protector and passionate lover, whom you also recognize and pay full respect to?
(Who's your Daddy?)
16. Lie back, and prepare for me to kiss your soul.
(I'm going down on you!)
17. Who surrenders her body to my whims in a bid to fulfill her carnal appetites?
(Who's my dirty, little girl?)
18. I would appreciate it if you returned my earlier favor.
(Suck my d*ck!)
19. Prove the depth of your passions for me.
20. I feel a primal passion coming over me.
(Let's do it doggie style!)
21. Shall I show you my strength?
(Let's have sex standing up.)
22. Have I mastered your body?
(Do you like that?)
23. Sit in my lap.
(Let's do cowgirl!)
24. Control yourself...
(Don't you dare c*m yet!)
25. How decadent. Don't you agree?
(Was it as good for you as it was for me?)
So that was an interesting experience. Enlightening too, I'm sure. Although, I do wonder about whom it offers more insight: INTJs or myself. As you can tell, I seem to think of INTJs as being borderline BDSM Doms, and as I've mentioned before, I always think of INTJs as being male. I know there are female INTJs out there, but... you know, I'm not going to write from a female perspective on this, especially not for a sh*ts and giggles post.
Another thing that strikes me as I finish this is that I'm sure there's someone out there complaining that many of the INTJ translations are too poetic or Shakespearean and not awkwardly technical, like many people suspect INTJs of being. Well, I admit, it's possible that some INTJs are bound to be that way, such as Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, but I also don't believe it's possible for that sort of character to get laid--I don't care what happened in the show. Ergo, an INTJ with a romantic edge is justified in this scenario. Not to mention, we're not two-dimensional, cardboard stereotypes--we are people, so we do know a thing or two about sex talk.
For next week, I was thinking of doing the INTJ guide to saying 25 violent things. The reason being that I'm about to embark on the adventure that is re-writing my book ROCCO, and that'll take quite a lot of time, so I might be sandbagging it on the posts from now until Christmas (my deadline). But who knows, maybe writing simple and crude stuff will help to bring in some new readers. But until then...