The INTJ Way of Saying 25 Sexy, Dirty, Salacious, and Raunchy Things [Explicit]

Hey, everyone.

As you can tell from the title, this is what I thought up for Thanksgiving week--a bunch of smut with an INTJ twist. Now, you will see some vulgar phrases, at least in the parenthetical translations, but there are some things you won't find. For instance, I don't talk about anyone's "flesh sword" because it's just too dumb to translate. You also won't find any mentions to things like "milfs" because the translation would be too complex, nor will you find anything about "69" because it's just too dirty.

Admittedly, there are a number of things I could add, either other sexy things that are said or multiple translations for one vulgar phrase, but I decided to stay away from repeating myself or duplicates because then I could be at this all day. That's also why I cut it down to twenty-five things, rather than going for as many as I could. This was supposed to be a quick, fun thing and not consume a lot of brain power, but it's already not that. So, without further ado, here is the INTJ way of saying twenty-five sexy, dirty, salacious, and raunchy things.

Sweet Nothings

1. I have the intense carnal desire to ravage your mind and body in the most beautiful way possible so as to leave you a convulsing mass, miring in viscous bodily fluids and the purest state of ecstasy achievable on the mortal plane.   

(I want to f*ck you senseless!)

2. Shall we consummate our union?

(Wanna f*ck?)

3. I cannot deny the excellence of your figure.

(You're so f*cking hot.)

4. While I don't support the idea of nude images being sent via cordless transmission, I do however long for your visage.

(Send me a nude selfie.)

5. I appreciate the diligence you put into your fitness regimen, especially with regard to your posterior.

(You've got a great booty!)

6. I appreciate the view of your uncanny valley.

(You've got great t*ts!)

Foreplay

7. I would revel in the instant if you elected to reveal yourself to me.

(Show me your t*ts!)

8. Disrobe.

(Take your clothes off.)

9. Your entirety demands my attention.

(You get me so hard!)

10. My passions are inflamed.

(I'm so horny!)

11. I'm going to rub my face against your breasts in a back-and-forth, lateral movement while feeling rather silly and achieving nothing, but I am loathed to surrender the privilege of doing so.

(I'm going to motorboat you!)

12. Submit.

(Assume the position.)

The Beast with Two Backs

13. Ah... You're ready...

(You're so wet!)

14. Will I have to discipline you?

(Does somebody need a spanking?)

15. Whom proclaims himself your compassionate protector and passionate lover, whom you also recognize and pay full respect to?

(Who's your Daddy?)

16. Lie back, and prepare for me to kiss your soul.

(I'm going down on you!)

17. Who surrenders her body to my whims in a bid to fulfill her carnal appetites?

(Who's my dirty, little girl?)

18. I would appreciate it if you returned my earlier favor.

(Suck my d*ck!)

19. Prove the depth of your passions for me.

(F*ck me!)

20. I feel a primal passion coming over me.

(Let's do it doggie style!)

21. Shall I show you my strength?

(Let's have sex standing up.)

22. Have I mastered your body?

(Do you like that?)

23. Sit in my lap.

(Let's do cowgirl!)

Climax

24. Control yourself...

(Don't you dare c*m yet!)

Pillow Talk

25. How decadent. Don't you agree?

(Was it as good for you as it was for me?)

***

So that was an interesting experience. Enlightening too, I'm sure. Although, I do wonder about whom it offers more insight: INTJs or myself. As you can tell, I seem to think of INTJs as being borderline BDSM Doms, and as I've mentioned before, I always think of INTJs as being male. I know there are female INTJs out there, but... you know, I'm not going to write from a female perspective on this, especially not for a sh*ts and giggles post.

Another thing that strikes me as I finish this is that I'm sure there's someone out there complaining that many of the INTJ translations are too poetic or Shakespearean and not awkwardly technical, like many people suspect INTJs of being. Well, I admit, it's possible that some INTJs are bound to be that way, such as Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, but I also don't believe it's possible for that sort of character to get laid--I don't care what happened in the show. Ergo, an INTJ with a romantic edge is justified in this scenario. Not to mention, we're not two-dimensional, cardboard stereotypes--we are people, so we do know a thing or two about sex talk.

Anyway, if you want to make sure you never miss one of my blog posts, dirty or clean, please join my mailing list or show me your love by supporting me on Patreon.

For next week, I was thinking of doing the INTJ guide to saying 25 violent things. The reason being that I'm about to embark on the adventure that is re-writing my book ROCCO, and that'll take quite a lot of time, so I might be sandbagging it on the posts from now until Christmas (my deadline). But who knows, maybe writing simple and crude stuff will help to bring in some new readers. But until then... 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:

Amazon: My Author Page
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Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar

Flash Fiction & Poetry Day 11: Comedy "Love Sick"

Hey, everyone.

Today's day eleven of my writing challenge. Hopefully after I've been doing this for a month, I'll stop saying what it is. Anyway, I followed through on what I said and made three different wheels. Today's wheel is composed of fiction writing styles. And for the sake of my flash fictions, I'll try to keep them to flash fiction length so that each post is a story unto itself. So let's give it a try.

Wheel of Genres, turn, turn, turn! Tell me the genre I will discern!





Today's topic is... Comedy. Balls! There's nothing more difficult than trying to be funny on the spot. Sure, spontaneous humor and jokes do often arrive in our lives, but those jokes can happen because we're so involved in the moment. For this, I have to make up my own moment.

Alright, thirty minutes on the clock: 30:00. And... go!

"Well," said Fred, coming through the door. "That double date could not have been worse."
"What're you talking about?" asked Dan, following him in. "I think it went quite well."
"Easy for you to say; your girl looked like a girl."
"Yours looked like a girl. She had long hair."
"That was a mullet."
"She had some nice sized breasts."
"She was wearing a hydro bra!"
"How do you know that?" asked Dan, taking off his coat.
"Because she popped one coming back from the bathroom. She smashed it in the door or something. Didn't you notice that her chest looked a little deflated and lopsided?"
"I guess I was lost in her eyes."
"You were lost in your date's ass! I've never heard a man say 'ladies first' so much before in my life."
"I guess I'm just more of a gentleman than you."
"Says the guy who budgets his paycheck for a Friday night at Fappy's. Just imagine if your date knew what sort of a perverted creep you actually are."
"You know what they say, what you don't know can't hurt you."
Fred growled. He took off his coat and headed for his bedroom. He immediately went to bed and had frightful dreams of women's busts busting and showering him with water. Eventually, however he was shaken awake. "Ah! Who's there?"
"Fred?"
"Dan? What time is it?"
"It's about three."
"In the morning?!"
"Yeah."
"Go away!"
"But I can't sleep," said Dan, sitting on the bed next to Fred. "I can't stop thinking about Julie."
"Who?"
"My date tonight."
"Oh."
"I'm a little worried."
"About what?"
"Well, I was thinking about how the date went and I think..."
"...Yes?"
"I think..."
"Yes?!"
"I think..."
"For fuck sake! What do you think, man?!"
"I think I love her." Dan looked at Fred. "I think I found the one."
"Oh, for fuck sake! You can't be serious."
"I am serious. Her hair, her face, her body, that absolutely lethal booty! I'm in love."
"You're not in love. You're just horny. Take a cold shower or bop your baloney, and you'll be fine. Now, get the hell out!"
"But I can't stop thinking about her."
"I've already given you two perfectly good suggestions on how to cure that."
"I want to see her again! I need to see her again!" declared Dan, rushing from the room.
"Oh, great. We're doing this now?" Fred rose and grabbed his robe. He found Dan in the kitchen with his laptop open. "What're you doing, dude?"
"I need to write her a poem! An ode to her beauty! A memoriam to our love."
"I wish your infatuation would die."
Dan started typing. "Dearest Julia..."
"Julie," corrected Fred.
"Dearest Julie, my heart beats only for thee. I wonder if you'll ever love me. Your beauty is angelic--"
"And you've got a booty majestic."
"Think me not pathetic. For I am only a loving fool--"
"Who's become quite the tool."
"And when I look through the looking glass--"
"All I can see is dat ass!"
"Why can't you take my feelings seriously?" asked Dan.
"Because didn't we go through this same crap last week over some girl named Margaret. What was the rhyme you made about her? 'You daintily ate your ham cubes, and I couldn't stop staring at your boobs.'"
"Oh, Margaret! I had forgotten about her! She was gorgeous, too."
"How would you know? You never looked at her above the neck."
"Oh, Margaret! Oh, Julie! How I wish there was a Margulie."
"That's it. I'm done with this. I'm done with you. I'm going to bed," said Fred, turning away.
"But what will I do without your good counsel?"
"Find your way back to your village I hope. Good night!" said Fred, closing his door.
"Good night, dear Fred. If only you understood my sorrow."

Stop the clock. Okay, I have 2:16 left. Well, that went alright. It wasn't laugh out loud funny, but it had its moments. Half way through I did start to panic when I realized there wasn't any real conflict which meant there wouldn't have been any real ending. I mean, you could argue that there isn't one as nothing was really resolved in this except for the fact that Fred left Dan to his devices, but Fred is the protagonist in this story and Dan the antagonist. So, in a way, Fred did win. But I am surprised how much I wrote in 28 minutes. Maybe I should release a book with a bunch of flash fictions. No, I would burn through my character list to quick and I don't want to re-use old names for protagonists.

So, that's it for today. If you want to use the wheel I made, you should be able to access it here. And if you have the time, please check out my books for sale on Amazon which you can find through my author page. The link is below. See you tomorrow.

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar