11 Qualities INTJs Look for in a Relationship

Hey, everyone.

I know it's been a while since I posted. A lot of things have happened, including losing my Internet connection several times and being busy with life. Hopefully I can get back on track.

So, going into this post's topic, 11 qualities INTJs look for in a relationship, I need to mention a few things:

1. I had the idea for this topic from the trouble I've had with the friend I mentioned in my last post. Basically, the foundation of our relationship wasn't steady and I wasn't able to be myself (comfortably), and I wasn't getting any satisfaction out of the relationship. That may sound selfish, but friendships are not all giving and no taking, which leads to my second point which is...
2. That INTJs hope that these following qualities are on both sides of the relationship.
3. The "relationship" I'm referring to here isn't merely romantic--INTJs want some of (or all) of these qualities in their friendships too, so both friends and lovers of INTJs can get some use out of this list.

With that out of the way, let's go on to the list.

1. Intelligence/Competence

Just about everything INTJs do is punctuated by intelligence. They try to be as intelligent as possible, which may take the form of competency, efficiency, or being just a little too careful. They may make mistakes--miscalculations, if you will--but it's not something that happens often. And as it is known, INTJs do not suffer fools. Ignorance is one thing, but willful ignorance or the inability to learn from mistakes is quite another. INTJs do not forgive themselves for stupid mistakes, so don't expect them to be any more lenient on you.

2. Honesty

Honesty is an interesting one. INTJs love being honest because it allows us to "be" ourselves. (If we're [acting like] anyone else, we're not being honest.) However, we can sometimes struggle to be honest with ourselves or having someone be honest with us (there's "being direct" and then there's "criticism"). Some INTJs aren't bothered by criticism or conflict--I'm not one of them!--but it's always better to be honest with us than to lie because that's just a waste of our time. You can waste your time with lies if you like, but don't waste ours.

3. Imagination

By "imagination" I mean "being open-minded." But what does it mean to be "open-minded?" I feel like it's a term too often thrown around, especially when its opposite, "closed-minded," is often regarded as a huge negative. Well, for this quality I'm not talking about trying new foods or wanting to travel, I mean more like INTJs want to be able to entertain new and wondrous ideas, such as the existence of Bigfoot or parallel universes. Dismissing such ideas immediately, especially when one doesn't have any knowledge or experience with the topic, is quite closed-minded and pretty boring. True, INTJs may not seek additional information or want to tamper with them, but they still want the opportunity to think about and discuss them, and they can't do the latter alone.

4. Creativity

How does "creativity" differ from "imagination?" Well, by "creativity" I mean it as "not mundane." INTJs are pretty bored with the real world. Learning about it can be interesting, but we can't entertain ourselves by simply going for a walk out in the woods. That might inspire our imagination, like become the backdrop for a story idea involving a witch's cove, but the actual act of the walk is pretty boring. Also, INTJs don't want to have mundane existences--being Intuitive types, we don't want to live our lives the way others do. Therefore, we don't want to be friends with or date anybody who has a mundane life or existence. You might have an exciting life, but if it's too "in the world," we won't really care.

5. Freedom

Now when I say freedom, I'm not talking about cheating or not being able to commit. No, I mean INTJs need to be "personally" free. They need to be able to retreat from the situation and spend some time alone. And, like I said above, they need the freedom to be their selves. Nothing makes an INTJ quite as unhappy as being forced to be like everyone else. But if you entertain our desire to be ourselves, we will do tit-for-tat and allow you to be yourself. (Unless of course "who you are" inheritantly irritates us or is the exact antithesis of us, or is dangerous or reckless [if we like you, we don't want to see you destroy yourself].)

6. Value

When I think about it, I think we all want to be valued and have relationships we value. So at first, this doesn't seem all that revealing, but considering that INTJs are consummate loners and their directness can come off as mean, it does need to be said that they value the people in their lives and hope they're valued back because otherwise, why should they be invested?

7. Honor/Virtue

Despite the fact we often buck the status quo and traditional qualities, we have very strong moral compasses. We always try to conduct ourselves with honor and we're constantly in pursuit of deepening our personal virtue. This is one of our standards, and like all our standards, we hold ourselves up to it and expect nothing less from you. If you're not honorable or without virtue, then we shall hand you a knife so you may commit seppuku and fix that.

8. Understanding

Perhaps the greatest thing that any INTJ wants out of life is understanding. We want to understand (just about) everything, and for those who are close to us, we want to understand them inside and out. On the flip side, INTJs want to be understood. I know this can be difficult to accomplish because INTJs don't let anyone in, but it does seem like most people are incapable of understanding us or don't want to. Sometimes it's because INTJs don't have the patience to explain themselves because there's so much to it, but beyond that, INTJs are some of the loneliest people in the world because hardly anyone understands us. So to be with someone who doesn't need us to explain ourselves to, that is one of the greatest things we could ever hope for.

9. Loyalty

I almost forgot about this one. Geez. I didn't remember until I was reading through Speak!: The Best Quips, Quotes, and Anecdotes for Dog Lovers, and on one quote, I was like, "Huh... this person sounds like they're describing an INTJ." But anyway, yes! Loyalty! To an INTJ, loyalty is big. We may be difficult to get along with and we'll often butt heads with you, but if you don't betray us, don't talk behind our backs, don't tell others our secrets, we will make sure to do all the same for you. Believe me: INTJs would make the best Harry Potter Secret Keepers. Not even death would deter us.

10. Strength

INTJs may be brainy types, but we consider ourselves strong (in certain regards). We like to think we have strong characters and hope that isn't just our egos talking. Likewise, we crave to see the strength in others. We don't like weaklings and victims--we like people who tackle their problems and fix them, hence why you can't tell us our problems without us trying to fix them.

Similarly, we crave a strong bond with the people closest to us. We don't do fair-weathered friends or acquaintances, and we don't tend to think "Facebook friends" are actual friends. It may sound wacky or cliché, but the sort of friends we're looking for are "shield-brothers" or "brothers-in-arms." People we can march into the mouth of Hell with and not regret the decision of our chosen company. And when it comes to our romantic partners, we're looking for the quintessential best friend relationship--the inseparable partner-in-crime sort of lover. (I apologize for the vague metaphors, but I don't know how else to put it.)

11. Ka and Ka-tet

For those who haven't read Stephan King's The Dark Tower, you likely haven't heard these terms before. So, ka is a principle that is akin to "duty" or "destiny," while a ka-tet is a group of people brought and held together by a single, unifying ka. So basically what an INTJ wants out of a relationship is that he and the other person feel a sense of duty that draws them together into the relationship because they have similar destinies. And when I say destiny, I don't mean a pre-determined fate that must take place; I mean a personal life goal.

The reason why an INTJ wants these two things is because an INTJ often feels a sense of duty to his friends. I can't really describe what this duty is, I just know that it's similar to our sense of honor--some sort of chivalry that binds us to a person and that colors everything we do as a friend or lover. Rather than just treating that other person like any other idiot, they get special considerations and treatment. As for the ka-tet, well, INTJs want to feel a sense of belonging just as much as anybody else. Out in the world though, we don't feel like we belong anywhere, hence why we're so awkward out in public--very few places feel like they're INTJ-friendly. So it is our hope that our friends and lovers are bound to us out of a sense of duty and purpose, and feel like we belong together for some grand purpose, because really, who the hell doesn't want to feel like that?

Side Note on Respect

Some people think that all you need for a friendship to work is mutual respect. Now, while an INTJ does want respect from his friends and lover, and he wants to be able to respect them in return, an INTJ's respect is not easily earned or kept. In fact, since INTJs are constantly judging and re-evaluating the people and relationships in their lives, your placement on their list of respect is in a constant state of flux. We have a basic level of respect for everyone where we don't kick people in the ass just because they're in our way, but this is more good manners than it is respect. It's more about civility than it is respect.

So, how do you get and keep an INTJ's respect? Well, doing things we can't or aren't willing to do is one way, but that's not specific to INTJs. One of the things that has broken up many of my past friendships is that I couldn't respect the other person because of who they were as persons. Something about their personal beliefs, whether they were political, social, moral, economic, philosophic, et cetera, if it didn't jive with what I believed, I lost respect for that person. Why? Because your personal beliefs are a direct reflection of who you are as a person, obviously. If you think communism is a good idea, then you're a commie, and as history has shown time and time again, communism sucks and capitalism rules. Ergo, you are wrong and incapable of learning from the past's mistakes, and I can't respect a person who is wrong.

That's what it comes down to: right versus wrong belief. Just like how I can't respect a communist, I also can't respect a Satan worshipper, an antitheist, a gun-grabber, someone who is pro-choice, people who believe cats are superior to dogs, people who think heavy metal comes from the Devil, vegans, liberals, Marxists, nihilists, Nazis, Fascists, et cetera.

Similarly, I will not respect anyone who holds a disparaging view of me, my works, my identity, or my beliefs. My one friend called me a sexist. She explained her reasoning to me, but it didn't make any sense to me, and that's when I knew our friendship had died. I lost respect for her for her wacky definition of "sexist," and I lost all personal respect for her for unironically calling me something as hateful as a sexist.

So, gaining and keeping the respect of an INTJ is based on personal agreement with him as well as being capable of logical reasoning. This may not pertain to all INTJs, but given what I know about our type, I don't think any INTJ would put up with anything less. Enjoying argument is one thing, but keeping such a person as a friend is quite different. Think of it this way, why would an INTJ keep a person in his life who is essentially an obstacle to every/some -thing he believes? I wouldn't, and I don't.

***

Hopefully this answered some questions regarding what INTJs are looking for in a relationship. I apologize for not getting it out last week, but it was quite a piece to write; I didn't want to mislead anybody or leave something important out. And again, I apologize for the long paragraphs. But if you don't care about the long paragraphs and you just like my writing, please join my mailing list, or if you want to make sure I keep writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even $1 a month will prove that you're a friend of mine.

As for next week's post, I don't know what I'll write. I think I have a few shorter pieces I could turn out in hopes of getting back into the swing of things. Perhaps that's what I'll do. Until then...

Keep writing, my friends.

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Do INTJs Have Best Friends?

Hey, everyone.

For starters I would like to tell you guys that it looks like my schedule might get even busier. I was recently accepted by Geeks and Gamers as an article writer and their demands are kind of steep. They want three articles a week, and if I write an opinion post or a review the article needs to be a minimum of 1000 words. News articles can be shorter, but you lump all this in along with my blog, my personal writing, my new job, working out, etc. and there's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I decided I would try it to see if I can put up with the pressure and stress--if I can't, I'll resign. This and my novels and stuff is much more important.

Anyway, on to tonight's topic.

Friends

So I've been going through a rough patch with a friend of mine. I considered her a close friend, but it really doesn't seem that way given some of our disagreements recently. Taking stock of my overall friend situation, I question if those I consider my friends are actually my friends. They may consider me their friend, but you know INTJs, we keep people at a distance. This is so we protect ourselves, so when we do finally "let someone in," it's a big to-do. There's no party or cake, but it's a big deal to us. With lesser relationships we can just walk away, but with those who we consider to be our confidants, it's not that simple. And when we can't walk away we feel foolish because that makes us feel soft and vulnerable.

Part of my problem is that "friends" is no longer an easy concept for me. When I was about 11, I had a shrink say to me that my friends were just "acquaintances" because I never did anything with them outside of school. That one statement has f*cked me up for nearly two decades. Ever since then I haven't been sure of who's my friend and who isn't, and finding out I was an INTJ didn't help. I don't want to pigeonhole myself, but I'm afraid I may have as my standards for everything, including what I consider a friend, has greatly risen. As a result, I'm not an easy person to befriend or be friends with.

Part of the friend standards thing is I have an ideal of what it means to be friends. (Everyone probably does.) But unlike some others who accept that their ideals may never be real, INTJs admit to reality while always striving for the ideal, especially when it concerns things they have control of.

Getting back to the ideal friend(ship), if for whatever reason we think the ideal friendship exists or has been found, but something happens and it doesn't match the ideal, that means we're wrong. This particular "wrongness" is quite disconcerting because it means we opened ourselves up under false pretenses, which means there's some very private information out there that shouldn't be. Imagine our panic.

Best Friends

Given this new insight into how difficult it is for INTJs to trust and befriend and be befriended, you can imagine how difficult it is for us to have best friends. Not only is there an extremely high criteria for it, but it also comes with a level of trust and support from us that if you betray, your f*cking head will roll. Maybe not literally, but there will be a sh*tstorm of homeric proportions.

So, going back to my original question: do INTJs have best friends? Answer: It's possible, but not very probable. That level of trust does not come easily. Regarding my current friend and the troubles I've had with her, I've begun to re-evaluate things on multiple levels. Why? I don't know, but after reading up on the difficulties surrounding opposite-sex friendships and the "friend zone," I think her sex is definitely contributory to our problems.

Final Words

Despite my problems the conclusion is that INTJs can have friends and even best friends, but it is not an easy position to obtain. One meme on Pinterest says, "If you're friends with an INTJ, you're not an average person," and that's very true. But given who my friends and my "friends" are and why I consider(ed) them friends, that statement is still true, but applies to fewer people in my life now. Don't misunderstand me--I have greatly appreciated the companionship offered by my FINOs (friends-in-name-only), but if things don't match what I want/need, something needs to change.

One more thing: It absolutely blows an INTJ's mind when there's someone out there who actually looks forward to seeing us. We know how big of a pain in the ass we are, and if we were our friends, we'd have quit on ourselves a long time ago. So whenever someone does put up with us and stays by our side, we're deeply touched and grateful. It's something we deeply desire, but it's not something we expect to happen.

***

I apologize for this post being all over the place and for the paragraphs being long, but it's an emotional time for me, and being an INTJ, I have a lot of thoughts about it and a lot of feelings that I tend to suppress. And if you want to make sure you never miss another messy emotional moment of mine, please join my mailing list, or if you want to make sure I keep writing despite whatever displeasure life throws at me, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even $1 a month cheers me up.

As for next week's post, I'm still in that creative, emotional purgatory. I'll probably cover what INTJs look for in a relationship, and that'll cover both friendships and dating. And I apologize if it's late because I'm writing for Geeks and Gamers. 

Keep writing, my friends.

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7 Reasons Why It's Awesome Being Friends with an INTJ

Hey, everyone.

This is the second part to my post from last week where I first asked the question, "What is it like to be friends with an INTJ?" If you recall, my answer is that it's difficult, but rewarding. Last week, I answered why it's difficult, and this week, I'm going to talk about why it's rewarding, or rather, why it's awesome. Mostly because it is actually awesome, but also because saying it's "rewarding" is a little awkward.

Now, while you may not be able to throw beer bottles at us when you're low, you'll find that we have so many better qualities to offer.

1. You'll never find anyone more loyal.

Call me "Fido." Not because my loyalty rivals your dog's, but because you'll never find a more faithful friend. (Fun Fact: "Fido" is derived from the Latin "fidelis" which means "faithful.")

Despite how hard and harsh we can be on the outside, INTJs are amazingly idealistic on the inside. And since we're not hypocrites, we try to emulate those qualities that we value and seek most. One of those qualities is loyalty. Unless you do something truly horrible to us or against our code of honor, we'll never betray you, backstab you, cut you out of the deal, or let slip your secrets. You can trust us.

2. We're willing to listen.

While we're not exactly warm and fuzzy, we have been known to give those we genuinely care about the warm and fuzzies. Since we're introverts, we'd rather listen than talk anyway, and since we're your friend, we'll listen to whatever you have to say, even your problems. Just be warned, we will try to solve or fix your problems. If that's not what you're looking for, then go talk to a wall, otherwise, we've got your back.

3. We remember everything you tell us.

Remember number two? Because we're so predisposed toward listening, we can get to know you pretty well. (Sometimes we'll know you better than you know us.) And we have great mental capacities for both memory and recall. Since you're important to us, we remember whatever you tell us in case that information proves useful elsewhere, whether it be to buy you a gift, recall something important you said, or implicate you at a crime scene. Or the exact opposite of that last one.

4. We're low maintenance.

Ever had a "friend" who didn't know when to shut up or leave you alone? With INTJs, this isn't a problem. We might hang out with you or text you for a while, but then you're not likely to hear from us for close to three months or more. Now, if you're our best friend or girlfriend, this won't be the case, but for those further out in our social circle, you needn't worry about us becoming bothersome because we will "disappear" once in a while. Not to mention, we also don't need to be reminded of the fact that we're still friends. INTJs are perspective enough to know when the friendship is still on or over.

5. We're honest.

Not everyone appreciates honesty. They say they do, but they would rather live a comfortable lie than an inconvenient truth. However, if you do appreciate honesty, INTJs are the ones to go to. We appreciate the truth and we like facts because they can never be other than what they are. Despite our love of complexity, you just can't beat simplicity sometimes. (Probably because it's efficient!) Now, some INTJs are more blunt or less tactful than others, but regardless of our speaking skills, we will always be honest with you.

6. We value you more than you know.

We know we're a pain in the butt. We know we're weird. We know we're different. We've been targets for bullying, tasteless jokes, and being pushed out of groups for most of our lives. Hell, some people just don't like being in our presence. (I hope that's the otherworldly charm.) So, when we find someone who likes being around us and enjoys our friendship, and looks forward to seeing us, and enjoys hugging us or being hugged by us, we greatly appreciate it and you.

We're the outsiders of the outsiders, the unwanted, but you give us the warm and fuzzies, and for that, we love you. We're not very forthright about it, but we do drop plenty of hints. If you're observant and listen very carefully to what we say, you'll see just how much you mean to us.

7. Anything you tell us in confidence ends with us. No exceptions.

Going back to point number one, INTJs never betray. Need to tell someone a secret? You've come to the right place. We will be your secret-keeper until you no longer need us to be. I've been holding onto a secret my friend Alysa told me back in 2010, and although it is no longer valid, I still haven't told anyone, even though I haven't seen her in almost as many years.

Many people relish secrets because knowing something that someone else doesn't gives them power over that person. It gives them authority because they're more knowledgeable than the other, which is why so many people tease about knowing something that someone doesn't. And then they eat up the attention they're given as the others try to pry it out of them. Makes them feel important.

While INTJs may value the power trip of knowing the secret and even the rare attention that comes with people trying to get it out of us, INTJs never feel the pressure to let the cat out of the bag. It just doesn't get to us. And while we might like to tell the secret, we remain true to our values because keeping a squeaky clean reputation is more important to us. Oh, and our friendship with you. But seriously, we don't want our secrets getting out, so we will likewise keep yours.

BONUS!!! We believe in you.

INTJs don't waste their time on losers. We befriend those who are just as smart, as capable, and as determined as ourselves. And since we know that we can do whatever we set our minds to, we know that you can too. Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to be, we know you can do it. More than that, we'll be by your side throughout your entire struggle, and should you ever ask for help, we'll be there for you. Just know that it comes with the price that we're able to count on you for help in equal measure. And if we can't, that's a friendship ender. Keep that in mind.

***

 



And those are the seven reasons why it's awesome having an INTJ as a friend. There are definitely others, but I think these are the strongest. If I missed your favorite reason, feel free to leave it in the comments below. Also, if you enjoyed this post and you want to stay in the loop with whatever I write, please consider joining my mailing list or even supporting me on Patreon. $1 a month keeps me from doing "real" work, and I really appreciate that.

For next week, I'll either answer the question are INTJs moody, or are INTJs dangerous. Be on the lookout for that.

Keep writing, my friends.

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7 Reasons Why It's Difficult Being Friends with an INTJ

Hey, everyone.

Originally, this was going to be a post on what it's like to be friends with an INTJ. Unfortunately, the topic was a bit too broad and I had no idea how to really cover it. But when I asked myself "What is it like being friends with an INTJ?", I answered "it's difficult, but rewarding." This of course begs the question "why." Why is it difficult to be friends with an INTJ, and why is it rewarding?

After brainstorming a couple of reasons, I found that I could make two posts out of this topic: 7 Reasons Why It's Difficult Being Friends with an INTJ, and 7 Reasons Why It's Rewarding. Therefore, this post will cover the former.

So, why is it difficult being friends with an INTJ?

1. We don't trust easily.

This first reason is more about why it's difficult to become our friend, but its theme is echoed in some of the reasons below.

INTJs are naturally suspicious buggers. I don't know if it's due to our learned cynicism or our natural curiosity, or maybe it starts out as curiosity, which is then rewarded and reinforced, and then becomes a learned suspicion/cynicism, but that's why we don't trust easily.

Any interest you show in us will be met with curt questions so we can try to discern the true reason for your friendly intentions. INTJs don't want to be used or manipulated, and when we find out we have been bamboozled, nothing forestalls our judgment... and it shall be severe.

We also have a great appreciation for honesty. We're honest with you, and we appreciate it if you're honest with us. That way, neither one of us has an advantage over the other. But it's not always easy to be honest with people.

2. You're constantly being judged and tested.

Some of you may be aware of the fact that women are always testing men. They do this to make sure they have found a man who embodies the qualities they desire. The same is true of INTJs--we're constantly evaluating you, your actions, choices, and words. We want to make sure that the company we entertain represents the same mindset we do, or at least, one that is not immediately objectionable.

There are times in the elementary stages of a friendship where we may purposely ask open-ended questions and see how you answer them. This is of course a test. You pass, kudos. You fail, sorry, but I don't want to waste my time on you. Ultimately, we just want to make sure that you're our sort of person. Unfortunately, we have quite discriminating tastes, so not very many people are our sort. And if you're deemed not to be, we don't hesitate to cut you out.

3. We don't always like explaining ourselves.

I've already established that honesty is an important quality in a friendship, but if someone isn't up front with you, can you really trust him? Many think that INTJs should keep this in mind for themselves, but we INTJs would argue that we do keep this in mind; it's just that there are other reasons why we may not explain ourselves.

One of them is that we believe our reasons/explanation to be too long to go over. We don't want to waste your time or ours, and we're sure that it will take a while to go over. Another reason is that our explanation is complicated and has many facets to it. There's a lot to look over and grasp. Sometimes we don't always understand all those facets ourselves, so how could we explain it to someone else? More often though it's because we don't think you can or are willing to understand--we're afraid you may not care.

In a tiff I had recently with a friend of mine, I didn't explain myself because I thought it was obvious why I was upset. I just couldn't believe that she didn't understand where I was coming from. Which I admit is strange; if she can't get it without me telling her, why wouldn't I just tell her so she could?

However, sometimes the reason is just simply because we think our explanation is selfish, immature, or embarrassing, and we'd rather drop the whole thing than allow it to tarnish our reputation. (A good friend should allow us to get away with it!)

4. We have a perspective that is different from pretty much everyone else's.

It's no secret INTJs see things differently. The NT combo can be quite difficult for some people to grasp. On the one hand, we believe that anything is possible, but we also believe in rationale. We may also perceive an instance in a different light from others, giving more weight to an open-minded perspective, even if it is naively hopeful. Here's an example:

On one of our local radio stations, a woman wrote in about an occurrence she had with her boyfriend. She wrote that they had been together for a few months and they had already been intimate many times. After one such intimate session, she told him she loved him and he responded with "Roger that!" So her question was whether or not she had moved too fast with the "I love you" and screwed up her relationship.

Now, the radio DJs and personalities were quite convinced that she had blown it, but my perspective was more open-minded. For one thing, I wanted more context to the story, like is the guy a notable goof ball or a joker? Is "Roger that" something he says a lot? What tone of voice and what sort of facial expression did he say it with? What sort of person is the woman herself? Is it possible he thought she would've understood such an answer? See, there are a lot of questions I need answered before I'm willing to give a conclusive answer because I can totally see someone responding to "I love you" with "Roger that." I think I have a few friends who would totally do that, too, and completely mean it as an "I love you, too."

I know I'm stretching with this example, especially since to MBTI nerds I don't have to explain myself when I say "INTJs see the universe differently." Generally, they know what that means immediately. But again, in our heads we have this perspective where we're trying to balance "what's possible" versus "the logic of what's probable." And it can be quite trying to indulge us in this exercise as we try to find an answer when things seem so clear cut to you.

5. You can go weeks or months without hearing from us.

Are you the sort that loves hearing from your friends? Can't go a week without at least a phone call or a text just saying "Hi?" Well, you may not enjoy being friends with us then. Seriously, we're about as introverted as anyone can be. We rarely have the desire to be around others, and unless it's a strong desire, like the longing for the company from a cute and cuddly ENFP, we can usually survive without that desire being fulfilled.

Not to mention, the misanthropy is strong with us in general. For the most part, we can do without people. Don't misunderstand me; we do enjoy the company of our loved ones: friends, family, lover, and dog, but we also thrive on alone time. Therefore, we're not likely to reach out to you. Unless you're really close to us or friends with us on Facebook, you'll go so long without hearing from us that you may begin to think we're no longer friends or that something terrible has happened to us.

6. We think about cutting you off when things don't look so rosy.

INTJs are ruthlessly efficient and extremely guarded. Ergo, if the friendship looks like it's going tits up, or there's something about you that we just can't figure out or square away, we consider giving it the axe.

In our darker moments when we get moody, we may even think that you don't actually care about us. Thus we'll take a page from reason number two, but based on the principle of reason number five and go completely dark on you just to see if you notice our absence and/or care.

It may seem drastic to be so willing to destroy a friendship without ever putting any effort into salvaging it, but that's often because we assume the worst and make decisions on our own. I'm honestly quite surprised how many times I've thought about cutting my friend Jessica out of my life, but then she surprises the hell out of me by digging herself out of that hole. I don't know if she knows it intuitively that I'm planning to cut her out, or if I just don't give her enough credit for being the amazing person she is, but she somehow always manages to make me change my mind. It's almost as if my friendship is truly worth something to her and she'd be poorer without it.

(It's strange to me that she'd think that way, but I am extremely touched if she does.)

But the point is, if things look bad or get frustrating, we act unilaterally and do what we think is best for us--not the relationship.

7. We're not comfortable expressing our emotions.

When you get to know someone real well, you often get attached to that person. A social link or bond develops. And the longest lasting bonds--the strongest ones--are often forged in the hottest of fires. The two friends go through some sh*t together, regardless of who's sh*t it is, and their relationship emerges all the stronger.

The problem with this is that it often involves emotions and deep, personal feelings, and you know how INTJs feel about those. We don't give them much exercise. On one hand, we don't want our painstakingly, self-crafted image to be tarnished, and on the other, we don't want to show ourselves at our most vulnerable. Not to mention how embarrassing or childish we may seem when we dig really, really deep down.

As a result of all this, INTJs can be hard to get to know. Sure, we'll tell you our hobbies and where we hail from, but that doesn't mean you know us. As a result, we keep many people held out at arm's length, never getting to know them and never allowing them to know us. And even if you do break the friend barrier, that doesn't mean you'll be passing into the BFF barrier anytime soon, or at all. There's an image on Pinterest that says of INTJs' close friends that they are "often those who have seen you cry." That's not a hundred percent accurate, but... it isn't inaccurate.

***

And those are the seven reasons why it's difficult being friends with an INTJ. I'm sure there are definitely others, but these are the most obvious. If you guys think I've missed any, feel free to comment about them. Also, if you enjoyed this post and you want to stay in the loop with whatever I write, please consider joining my mailing list or even supporting me on Patreon. $1 a month keeps me from doing "real" work, and I really appreciate that.

For next week, it's hope that I'll cover the seven reasons why it's rewarding to being friends with an INTJ, but we'll see. But until then...

Keep writing, my friends.

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