Hey, everyone.
Originally, this was going to be a post on what it's like to be friends with an INTJ. Unfortunately, the topic was a bit too broad and I had no idea how to really cover it. But when I asked myself "What is it like being friends with an INTJ?", I answered "it's difficult, but rewarding." This of course begs the question "why." Why is it difficult to be friends with an INTJ, and why is it rewarding?
After brainstorming a couple of reasons, I found that I could make two posts out of this topic: 7 Reasons Why It's Difficult Being Friends with an INTJ, and 7 Reasons Why It's Rewarding. Therefore, this post will cover the former.
So, why is it difficult being friends with an INTJ?
1. We don't trust easily.
This first reason is more about why it's difficult to become our friend, but its theme is echoed in some of the reasons below.
INTJs are naturally suspicious buggers. I don't know if it's due to our learned cynicism or our natural curiosity, or maybe it starts out as curiosity, which is then rewarded and reinforced, and then becomes a learned suspicion/cynicism, but that's why we don't trust easily.
Any interest you show in us will be met with curt questions so we can try to discern the true reason for your friendly intentions. INTJs don't want to be used or manipulated, and when we find out we have been bamboozled, nothing forestalls our judgment... and it shall be severe.
We also have a great appreciation for honesty. We're honest with you, and we appreciate it if you're honest with us. That way, neither one of us has an advantage over the other. But it's not always easy to be honest with people.
2. You're constantly being judged and tested.
Some of you may be aware of the fact that women are always testing men. They do this to make sure they have found a man who embodies the qualities they desire. The same is true of INTJs--we're constantly evaluating you, your actions, choices, and words. We want to make sure that the company we entertain represents the same mindset we do, or at least, one that is not immediately objectionable.
There are times in the elementary stages of a friendship where we may purposely ask open-ended questions and see how you answer them. This is of course a test. You pass, kudos. You fail, sorry, but I don't want to waste my time on you. Ultimately, we just want to make sure that you're our sort of person. Unfortunately, we have quite discriminating tastes, so not very many people are our sort. And if you're deemed not to be, we don't hesitate to cut you out.
3. We don't always like explaining ourselves.
I've already established that honesty is an important quality in a friendship, but if someone isn't up front with you, can you really trust him? Many think that INTJs should keep this in mind for themselves, but we INTJs would argue that we do keep this in mind; it's just that there are other reasons why we may not explain ourselves.
One of them is that we believe our reasons/explanation to be too long to go over. We don't want to waste your time or ours, and we're sure that it will take a while to go over. Another reason is that our explanation is complicated and has many facets to it. There's a lot to look over and grasp. Sometimes we don't always understand all those facets ourselves, so how could we explain it to someone else? More often though it's because we don't think you can or are willing to understand--we're afraid you may not care.
In a tiff I had recently with a friend of mine, I didn't explain myself because I thought it was obvious why I was upset. I just couldn't believe that she didn't understand where I was coming from. Which I admit is strange; if she can't get it without me telling her, why wouldn't I just tell her so she could?
However, sometimes the reason is just simply because we think our explanation is selfish, immature, or embarrassing, and we'd rather drop the whole thing than allow it to tarnish our reputation. (A good friend should allow us to get away with it!)
4. We have a perspective that is different from pretty much everyone else's.
It's no secret INTJs see things differently. The NT combo can be quite difficult for some people to grasp. On the one hand, we believe that anything is possible, but we also believe in rationale. We may also perceive an instance in a different light from others, giving more weight to an open-minded perspective, even if it is naively hopeful. Here's an example:
On one of our local radio stations, a woman wrote in about an occurrence she had with her boyfriend. She wrote that they had been together for a few months and they had already been intimate many times. After one such intimate session, she told him she loved him and he responded with "Roger that!" So her question was whether or not she had moved too fast with the "I love you" and screwed up her relationship.
Now, the radio DJs and personalities were quite convinced that she had blown it, but my perspective was more open-minded. For one thing, I wanted more context to the story, like is the guy a notable goof ball or a joker? Is "Roger that" something he says a lot? What tone of voice and what sort of facial expression did he say it with? What sort of person is the woman herself? Is it possible he thought she would've understood such an answer? See, there are a lot of questions I need answered before I'm willing to give a conclusive answer because I can totally see someone responding to "I love you" with "Roger that." I think I have a few friends who would totally do that, too, and completely mean it as an "I love you, too."
I know I'm stretching with this example, especially since to MBTI nerds I don't have to explain myself when I say "INTJs see the universe differently." Generally, they know what that means immediately. But again, in our heads we have this perspective where we're trying to balance "what's possible" versus "the logic of what's probable." And it can be quite trying to indulge us in this exercise as we try to find an answer when things seem so clear cut to you.
5. You can go weeks or months without hearing from us.
Are you the sort that loves hearing from your friends? Can't go a week without at least a phone call or a text just saying "Hi?" Well, you may not enjoy being friends with us then. Seriously, we're about as introverted as anyone can be. We rarely have the desire to be around others, and unless it's a strong desire, like the longing for the company from a cute and cuddly ENFP, we can usually survive without that desire being fulfilled.
Not to mention, the misanthropy is strong with us in general. For the most part, we can do without people. Don't misunderstand me; we do enjoy the company of our loved ones: friends, family, lover, and dog, but we also thrive on alone time. Therefore, we're not likely to reach out to you. Unless you're really close to us or friends with us on Facebook, you'll go so long without hearing from us that you may begin to think we're no longer friends or that something terrible has happened to us.
6. We think about cutting you off when things don't look so rosy.
INTJs are ruthlessly efficient and extremely guarded. Ergo, if the friendship looks like it's going tits up, or there's something about you that we just can't figure out or square away, we consider giving it the axe.
In our darker moments when we get moody, we may even think that you don't actually care about us. Thus we'll take a page from reason number two, but based on the principle of reason number five and go completely dark on you just to see if you notice our absence and/or care.
It may seem drastic to be so willing to destroy a friendship without ever putting any effort into salvaging it, but that's often because we assume the worst and make decisions on our own. I'm honestly quite surprised how many times I've thought about cutting my friend Jessica out of my life, but then she surprises the hell out of me by digging herself out of that hole. I don't know if she knows it intuitively that I'm planning to cut her out, or if I just don't give her enough credit for being the amazing person she is, but she somehow always manages to make me change my mind. It's almost as if my friendship is truly worth something to her and she'd be poorer without it.
(It's strange to me that she'd think that way, but I am extremely touched if she does.)
But the point is, if things look bad or get frustrating, we act unilaterally and do what we think is best for us--not the relationship.
7. We're not comfortable expressing our emotions.
When you get to know someone real well, you often get attached to that person. A social link or bond develops. And the longest lasting bonds--the strongest ones--are often forged in the hottest of fires. The two friends go through some sh*t together, regardless of who's sh*t it is, and their relationship emerges all the stronger.
The problem with this is that it often involves emotions and deep, personal feelings, and you know how INTJs feel about those. We don't give them much exercise. On one hand, we don't want our painstakingly, self-crafted image to be tarnished, and on the other, we don't want to show ourselves at our most vulnerable. Not to mention how embarrassing or childish we may seem when we dig really, really deep down.
As a result of all this, INTJs can be hard to get to know. Sure, we'll tell you our hobbies and where we hail from, but that doesn't mean you know us. As a result, we keep many people held out at arm's length, never getting to know them and never allowing them to know us. And even if you do break the friend barrier, that doesn't mean you'll be passing into the BFF barrier anytime soon, or at all. There's an image on Pinterest that says of INTJs' close friends that they are "often those who have seen you cry." That's not a hundred percent accurate, but... it isn't inaccurate.
***
And those are the seven reasons why it's difficult being friends with an INTJ. I'm sure there are definitely others, but these are the most obvious. If you guys think I've missed any, feel free to comment about them. Also, if you enjoyed this post and you want to stay in the loop with whatever I write, please consider joining my mailing list or even supporting me on Patreon. $1 a month keeps me from doing "real" work, and I really appreciate that.
For next week, it's hope that I'll cover the seven reasons why it's rewarding to being friends with an INTJ, but we'll see. But until then...
Keep writing, my friends.
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