11 Qualities INTJs Look for in a Relationship

Hey, everyone.

I know it's been a while since I posted. A lot of things have happened, including losing my Internet connection several times and being busy with life. Hopefully I can get back on track.

So, going into this post's topic, 11 qualities INTJs look for in a relationship, I need to mention a few things:

1. I had the idea for this topic from the trouble I've had with the friend I mentioned in my last post. Basically, the foundation of our relationship wasn't steady and I wasn't able to be myself (comfortably), and I wasn't getting any satisfaction out of the relationship. That may sound selfish, but friendships are not all giving and no taking, which leads to my second point which is...
2. That INTJs hope that these following qualities are on both sides of the relationship.
3. The "relationship" I'm referring to here isn't merely romantic--INTJs want some of (or all) of these qualities in their friendships too, so both friends and lovers of INTJs can get some use out of this list.

With that out of the way, let's go on to the list.

1. Intelligence/Competence

Just about everything INTJs do is punctuated by intelligence. They try to be as intelligent as possible, which may take the form of competency, efficiency, or being just a little too careful. They may make mistakes--miscalculations, if you will--but it's not something that happens often. And as it is known, INTJs do not suffer fools. Ignorance is one thing, but willful ignorance or the inability to learn from mistakes is quite another. INTJs do not forgive themselves for stupid mistakes, so don't expect them to be any more lenient on you.

2. Honesty

Honesty is an interesting one. INTJs love being honest because it allows us to "be" ourselves. (If we're [acting like] anyone else, we're not being honest.) However, we can sometimes struggle to be honest with ourselves or having someone be honest with us (there's "being direct" and then there's "criticism"). Some INTJs aren't bothered by criticism or conflict--I'm not one of them!--but it's always better to be honest with us than to lie because that's just a waste of our time. You can waste your time with lies if you like, but don't waste ours.

3. Imagination

By "imagination" I mean "being open-minded." But what does it mean to be "open-minded?" I feel like it's a term too often thrown around, especially when its opposite, "closed-minded," is often regarded as a huge negative. Well, for this quality I'm not talking about trying new foods or wanting to travel, I mean more like INTJs want to be able to entertain new and wondrous ideas, such as the existence of Bigfoot or parallel universes. Dismissing such ideas immediately, especially when one doesn't have any knowledge or experience with the topic, is quite closed-minded and pretty boring. True, INTJs may not seek additional information or want to tamper with them, but they still want the opportunity to think about and discuss them, and they can't do the latter alone.

4. Creativity

How does "creativity" differ from "imagination?" Well, by "creativity" I mean it as "not mundane." INTJs are pretty bored with the real world. Learning about it can be interesting, but we can't entertain ourselves by simply going for a walk out in the woods. That might inspire our imagination, like become the backdrop for a story idea involving a witch's cove, but the actual act of the walk is pretty boring. Also, INTJs don't want to have mundane existences--being Intuitive types, we don't want to live our lives the way others do. Therefore, we don't want to be friends with or date anybody who has a mundane life or existence. You might have an exciting life, but if it's too "in the world," we won't really care.

5. Freedom

Now when I say freedom, I'm not talking about cheating or not being able to commit. No, I mean INTJs need to be "personally" free. They need to be able to retreat from the situation and spend some time alone. And, like I said above, they need the freedom to be their selves. Nothing makes an INTJ quite as unhappy as being forced to be like everyone else. But if you entertain our desire to be ourselves, we will do tit-for-tat and allow you to be yourself. (Unless of course "who you are" inheritantly irritates us or is the exact antithesis of us, or is dangerous or reckless [if we like you, we don't want to see you destroy yourself].)

6. Value

When I think about it, I think we all want to be valued and have relationships we value. So at first, this doesn't seem all that revealing, but considering that INTJs are consummate loners and their directness can come off as mean, it does need to be said that they value the people in their lives and hope they're valued back because otherwise, why should they be invested?

7. Honor/Virtue

Despite the fact we often buck the status quo and traditional qualities, we have very strong moral compasses. We always try to conduct ourselves with honor and we're constantly in pursuit of deepening our personal virtue. This is one of our standards, and like all our standards, we hold ourselves up to it and expect nothing less from you. If you're not honorable or without virtue, then we shall hand you a knife so you may commit seppuku and fix that.

8. Understanding

Perhaps the greatest thing that any INTJ wants out of life is understanding. We want to understand (just about) everything, and for those who are close to us, we want to understand them inside and out. On the flip side, INTJs want to be understood. I know this can be difficult to accomplish because INTJs don't let anyone in, but it does seem like most people are incapable of understanding us or don't want to. Sometimes it's because INTJs don't have the patience to explain themselves because there's so much to it, but beyond that, INTJs are some of the loneliest people in the world because hardly anyone understands us. So to be with someone who doesn't need us to explain ourselves to, that is one of the greatest things we could ever hope for.

9. Loyalty

I almost forgot about this one. Geez. I didn't remember until I was reading through Speak!: The Best Quips, Quotes, and Anecdotes for Dog Lovers, and on one quote, I was like, "Huh... this person sounds like they're describing an INTJ." But anyway, yes! Loyalty! To an INTJ, loyalty is big. We may be difficult to get along with and we'll often butt heads with you, but if you don't betray us, don't talk behind our backs, don't tell others our secrets, we will make sure to do all the same for you. Believe me: INTJs would make the best Harry Potter Secret Keepers. Not even death would deter us.

10. Strength

INTJs may be brainy types, but we consider ourselves strong (in certain regards). We like to think we have strong characters and hope that isn't just our egos talking. Likewise, we crave to see the strength in others. We don't like weaklings and victims--we like people who tackle their problems and fix them, hence why you can't tell us our problems without us trying to fix them.

Similarly, we crave a strong bond with the people closest to us. We don't do fair-weathered friends or acquaintances, and we don't tend to think "Facebook friends" are actual friends. It may sound wacky or cliché, but the sort of friends we're looking for are "shield-brothers" or "brothers-in-arms." People we can march into the mouth of Hell with and not regret the decision of our chosen company. And when it comes to our romantic partners, we're looking for the quintessential best friend relationship--the inseparable partner-in-crime sort of lover. (I apologize for the vague metaphors, but I don't know how else to put it.)

11. Ka and Ka-tet

For those who haven't read Stephan King's The Dark Tower, you likely haven't heard these terms before. So, ka is a principle that is akin to "duty" or "destiny," while a ka-tet is a group of people brought and held together by a single, unifying ka. So basically what an INTJ wants out of a relationship is that he and the other person feel a sense of duty that draws them together into the relationship because they have similar destinies. And when I say destiny, I don't mean a pre-determined fate that must take place; I mean a personal life goal.

The reason why an INTJ wants these two things is because an INTJ often feels a sense of duty to his friends. I can't really describe what this duty is, I just know that it's similar to our sense of honor--some sort of chivalry that binds us to a person and that colors everything we do as a friend or lover. Rather than just treating that other person like any other idiot, they get special considerations and treatment. As for the ka-tet, well, INTJs want to feel a sense of belonging just as much as anybody else. Out in the world though, we don't feel like we belong anywhere, hence why we're so awkward out in public--very few places feel like they're INTJ-friendly. So it is our hope that our friends and lovers are bound to us out of a sense of duty and purpose, and feel like we belong together for some grand purpose, because really, who the hell doesn't want to feel like that?

Side Note on Respect

Some people think that all you need for a friendship to work is mutual respect. Now, while an INTJ does want respect from his friends and lover, and he wants to be able to respect them in return, an INTJ's respect is not easily earned or kept. In fact, since INTJs are constantly judging and re-evaluating the people and relationships in their lives, your placement on their list of respect is in a constant state of flux. We have a basic level of respect for everyone where we don't kick people in the ass just because they're in our way, but this is more good manners than it is respect. It's more about civility than it is respect.

So, how do you get and keep an INTJ's respect? Well, doing things we can't or aren't willing to do is one way, but that's not specific to INTJs. One of the things that has broken up many of my past friendships is that I couldn't respect the other person because of who they were as persons. Something about their personal beliefs, whether they were political, social, moral, economic, philosophic, et cetera, if it didn't jive with what I believed, I lost respect for that person. Why? Because your personal beliefs are a direct reflection of who you are as a person, obviously. If you think communism is a good idea, then you're a commie, and as history has shown time and time again, communism sucks and capitalism rules. Ergo, you are wrong and incapable of learning from the past's mistakes, and I can't respect a person who is wrong.

That's what it comes down to: right versus wrong belief. Just like how I can't respect a communist, I also can't respect a Satan worshipper, an antitheist, a gun-grabber, someone who is pro-choice, people who believe cats are superior to dogs, people who think heavy metal comes from the Devil, vegans, liberals, Marxists, nihilists, Nazis, Fascists, et cetera.

Similarly, I will not respect anyone who holds a disparaging view of me, my works, my identity, or my beliefs. My one friend called me a sexist. She explained her reasoning to me, but it didn't make any sense to me, and that's when I knew our friendship had died. I lost respect for her for her wacky definition of "sexist," and I lost all personal respect for her for unironically calling me something as hateful as a sexist.

So, gaining and keeping the respect of an INTJ is based on personal agreement with him as well as being capable of logical reasoning. This may not pertain to all INTJs, but given what I know about our type, I don't think any INTJ would put up with anything less. Enjoying argument is one thing, but keeping such a person as a friend is quite different. Think of it this way, why would an INTJ keep a person in his life who is essentially an obstacle to every/some -thing he believes? I wouldn't, and I don't.

***

Hopefully this answered some questions regarding what INTJs are looking for in a relationship. I apologize for not getting it out last week, but it was quite a piece to write; I didn't want to mislead anybody or leave something important out. And again, I apologize for the long paragraphs. But if you don't care about the long paragraphs and you just like my writing, please join my mailing list, or if you want to make sure I keep writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even $1 a month will prove that you're a friend of mine.

As for next week's post, I don't know what I'll write. I think I have a few shorter pieces I could turn out in hopes of getting back into the swing of things. Perhaps that's what I'll do. Until then...

Keep writing, my friends.

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