Hey, everyone.
So, if you're an INTJ or an ENFP, or you spend a lot of time in the world of MBTI, you're likely aware that INTJs and ENFPs are supposed to be destined for each other. INTJs give ENFPs the structure they need to mature, and ENFPs give INTJs an outlet for their more relaxed side. But is this relationship truly a match made in heaven?
Whilst trolling through Pinterest, I found an article on Psychology Junkie titled "10 Things You Should Never Say to an ENFP," and I had two major thoughts while reading this list: 1. Many of these shouldn't be said to an INTJ, either, and 2. An INTJ would totally say these things to someone else.
INTJs are well-known for being contradictory, so this contradiction shouldn't come as a surprise to many. So, after having that second thought, I began to wonder if INTJs and ENFPs are really soul mates. Let's look through this list and I'll tell you which of these ten items an INTJ would say to an ENFP, and why they can say these without feeling like hypocrites.
1. Because that's how it's always been done.
This statement rubs both personalities the wrong way, but for different reasons: INTJs dislike forced tradition, especially when no one has even considered a better method, and ENFPs just dislike the tired, tried-and-true method. But, an INTJ would totally say this to an ENFP.
The INTJ is a creature of habit and resists change as much as possible. The problem with "change" is that there's no guarantee it will be better than what exists now, and sometimes change doesn't work which is inefficient, not to mention the inefficiency in trying to integrate the change. Most things in an INTJ's world must be just so, so when an ENFP starts asking questions and asking why things can't be different, the INTJ may just throw this statement down and not bother to give an explanation because if the ENFP can just leave it at that, it would be more convenient for everybody involved and that fits the INTJ like a speedo.
2. Be more realistic.
Another one that would grind the gears of both personalities. Both would rather focus on what could be rather than what is; both types are dreamers and visionaries. But INTJs can be extremely pragmatic when necessary, and if there should come a time when dealing with an ENFP who just can't seem to face the facts and accept things as they are, the INTJ will get annoyed and slap this on her, hoping it'll stop her from being a pain in the ass. (That's right; I assume the INTJ is a masculine personality and ENFP is a feminine one. Come at me, bro.)
3. Because I said so.
"And just who the hell are you? What's your authority? Where does it come from? Was it earned, or are in the family business?"
This statement doesn't cut much mustard with either personality because unless a person has passed their rigorous tests and met their exceedingly high standards, then a person's right to authority is up for debate.
However, INTJs would totally say this to ENFPs. INTJs are stubborn, and generally, the only authority they trust is their own. And since they don't like explaining themselves or because other people don't need to have the "plan" explained to them, INTJs would expect this line to be the only qualifier ENFPs need to fall in line. And it certainly doesn't help that many of the things an INTJ says end up coming to pass, so if an ENFP doesn't heed the INTJ's word, she'll have to deal with a mild, but very smug, form of gloating for the rest of her life. And with that sort of accuracy, an INTJ's word usually becomes prophecy.
4. You can't do that.
"Hold my beer and watch this."
That's what both personalities would say, especially if what they're trying to do is something they really want or is something where other people's disbelief is incredibly strong. Both INTJs and ENFPs like making the impossible possible. But, once again, an INTJ would say this to an ENFP. Chances are good he's already thought the situation through from every angle and weighed the possibility of every outcome. While somewhere deep down, the INTJ might believe "everything is possible," but to make conversation more convenient, he'll just say this instead of trying to explain to the ENFP why it would be better not to try. And again, that's that "INTJ Authority." It's been well tested and proven.
5. You have no idea.
Oh, boy... As Intuitives, we've had a lot of ideas, and if someone just stopped for a second and tried to explain it to us, we'd bet you 20 bucks, we could grasp the idea. We're open-minded enough to do it. But when it comes to Intuitives interacting and sharing their thoughts and ideas with each other, there's a lot to process. And the place where those thoughts and ideas originate are so large, so marvelous, both the INTJ and ENFP have a hard time understanding their own heads. So, it's just easier and more convenient to say "You have no idea" rather than taking the time and effort to delve into those deep recesses and explain it.
6. You're such a flirt.
Now, this one is bit different. INTJs won't say this per se, but they may say something to the effect of it. I can't see most INTJs using the word "flirt" as a noun, only as a verb. They're more likely to say "tease," or if they're foul-mouthed, which most of them are, "cocktease" even if there are no c*cks in play. "Vamp" and "coquette" are also fair game.
Now, according to Psychology Junkie, this statement irritates ENFPs because they hate having their motivations questioned when they're just trying to be friendly. I guess the assumption is supposed to be that most people assume ENFPs have ulterior motives for their playful behaviors. But, if an INTJ arrived at this conclusion, he isn't likely to say anything to the ENFP. He'll just conclude his business and be on his way, most likely thinking her to be mighty strange.
7. Here's your project. The deadline is tomorrow.
An INTJ is only likely to say this to an ENFP if they're working together and the INTJ is the boss. In a working environment, this statement is totally free game, but in a personal relationship, no. However, there is something like this that an INTJ might say. Looking at #8...
8. Stop brainstorming and just decide.
An INTJ would definitely say this to an ENFP. Well, not that "brainstorming" part. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think of "brainstorming" as a part of the creative process; it's something you do in the "pre-production" stages of a project. But, an INTJ would definitely push an ENFP to make a decision about an important life event if he felt she was dragging her feet. True, an INTJ might be just as indecisive, but most of the time, when an INTJ makes up his mind, he secures the course. ENFPs are the kind of people that know they have a reputation for flightiness so they try to minimize the effect of that reputation as much as possible. As a result, they want to consider a decision from every angle to make sure they don't get buyer's remorse.
So, while both types have this issue, once a decision is made, they handle their decision in very different ways. Because INTJs are stubborn bastards and stay along a path they don't necessarily like for a while, they think this balances out the time they took to make the decision. But because ENFPs don't have this quality, INTJs aren't likely to put up with them taking a long time to decide something.
9. You're perfectly normal.
This is definitely something you don't want to say to an INTJ. We abhor normal. I mean, on the one hand, it does give a convenient framework from which we can launch our own research, but we are by no means normal. Why? Because we are imaginative, visionary, and think outside the box. And guess what? So are ENFPs. Basically anyone who is an Intuitive doesn't like being called "normal." Sensing types are normal, we're not. But, would an INTJ say this to an ENFP?
Yes. See, it's one thing to be imaginative and visionary, but when you factor in how other people see you and whether or not you're generally accepted by the public, this is where the disparity between the two types comes in to play. While most people demonstrate acceptance of INTJs on the surface, that is, as long as we do what we're supposed to and there are no surprises, everything's okie-dokie, artichokie. But, if most people knew what INTJs were like in private, they wouldn't be very accepting of us, and the problem with that is that who we are in private is who we actually are. Who we are in public is artifice. And I can already hear the ENFPs screaming that they're the same way, but from the perspective of an INTJ, you're really not.
Because you're Feeling types and Extraverted, you can connect with people in so effortless a way, it looks like a kind of well-practiced artifice; it's almost sorcery or witchcraft. Because of this uncanny ability, despite the fact that you might have big, imaginative, and visionary ideas, you'll always be able to find someone who's willing to listen to you and to give you a platform to be heard. People may not understand you or your ideas, but because you're able to connect with them in other ways, they'll accept you as one of their own, albeit, just think you're a little strange. This is not the case with INTJs. Therefore, although you may not be normal, INTJs will always consider you to be "normal."
10. If you really cared about me, you'd...
Oh, so you want to stress test my feelings for you? Well...
See, just saying this to an INTJ puts us in a rebellious, ready-for-a-fight type of attitude. You want to put conditions on us and our feelings because you don't understand how we operate or just because we don't operate within your ideals of love. Now, let's be fair, if you do care about someone, you won't be an assh*le to them. And if you are, you'll feel badly about it later. My mother has used lines like this on me to get me to wash the dishes. It didn't work, not because I don't love my mother, but rather because I knew she wasn't serious. And, if she had pushed this angle a little, I probably would've caved and washed the dishes. Anyway, would an INTJ say this to an ENFP?
In a healthy relationship, no. Maybe only as a joke or as some gentle prodding to get her to do anal, but other than that, no. In an unhealthy relationship, however, where the INTJ is manipulative or the ENFP is immature, yes, it would come up. It might also come up in a relationship where the INTJ doesn't have a lot of experience dating and the ENFP does. This would be a problem because the ENFP doesn't know how to show love for the INTJ because he himself doesn't really know what he wants or likes. But, the line "If you loved me, you would..." is more of the start to a philosophical conversation about how love is demonstrated rather than as a means to box the ENFP in to doing something she doesn't want to. It's an INTJ trying to straighten things out and make sense of the whole relationship-thing. It's not manipulation, it's reasoning.
Conclusion
So, are INTJs and ENFPs really a match made in heaven, or is that just hypothetic rhetoric? Well, it's difficult to say. Although an INTJ may say a lot of these things to an ENFP, even his ENFP, it's not because he's not understanding of her. They would be used as shortcuts for when he doesn't want to explain himself or for those times when he's just tired of the ENFP. And, I can already hear it, the voices of hundreds of irritated ENFP girlfriends saying things like, "Please, explain yourself! We'll listen! It doesn't matter how long it takes!" and "Please, don't say that to us. It stings to the core."
So, let this be a lesson, to us both. For us INTJs, don't be too quick to bust these out on your ENFP as she's more like you than you think (you know, treat her the way you want to be treated), and for ENFPs, don't get upset if your INTJ says these things. Just genuinely explain yourself to him that it hurts when he does, and he'll be more than happy to adjust. That is, if he loves you. If he's just an assh*le, don't expect it, but this would be the perfect time to litmus test that.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll see you guys next week where I'll be doing a response to POPSUGAR on 13 spot-on signs that someone is an INTJ. And fear not, I am preparing some original articles. I don't know when they'll be out, but expect the first ghost when the bell tolls one.
Keep writing, my friends.
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