Seven Tips for Dating an INTJ

Hey, everyone.

So, I know I was supposed to cover the Gothic Aesthetic of INTJs this week, but I need a little more time with that one. Plus, with Valentine's Day approaching, this one is topical.

Now, while my usual MO is to take someone else's article on a subject like this and comment on it, I decided I would write an original piece. Part of my inspiration for this one comes from my frustration with dealing with normal/regular people at work, as well as my frustration with the whole-lot-of-nothing I find on dating sites. So in the spirit of my frustrations and Valentine's Day, please allow me to give you seven tips for dating INTJs. Please note: this is not an exhaustive or comprehensive list.

1. For the Love of God--Think!

I know some personality types may struggle with this first one, but just because you're a Feeling type, that doesn't excuse or preclude you from using your brain. I'm not saying you need to be Feeling type but hold the Feeling, but you will have to put your feelings aside sometimes and think. One of the largest annoyances INTJs face living in the world is how thoughtless everyone seems to be. One of the reasons why INTJs are so good at strategy is because we find ourselves thinking about and predicting other people's thoughts--basically, we're thinking for others, and we can get really tired of it. So before you jump to a conclusion or ask what may be a stupid question, give yourself pause and ponder it for a second, especially if it's regarding your INTJ's behavior. There is a method to the madness.

2. A Little Bit of Distance Goes a Long Way

This is another one I'm sure some people will struggle with, and it isn't 100% true for INTJs. Sometimes we can be huge cuddlers--just don't draw attention to it!--but if you find your INTJ leaving the room every time you enter or is turning away from you or seems detached from the conversation you're trying to have, that is a sign your INTJ wants to be left alone. You shouldn't take it personally though as all INTJs require some time alone every day. It's quite relaxing and soothing for us. And if you really need us, we're not inflexible monsters; just explain that you need us to listen and we'll be there for you. But when this isn't the situation, remember the rule that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" because it does.

3. Hey! Listen!

Usually, INTJs are the ones that listen. Part of the reason is that we hate to interrupt, or that we think the solution to your problem is obvious so we have no need to say it, but another part of it is that one of our most important love languages is quality time. As a result, we're fine and dandy just being with you as you talk, but rest assured, you are not talking at us. We are listening, gauging, and learning.

However, whenever we do speak, you should keep your ears open. While I did admit that some of our largest frustrations come from people not thinking, another great frustration to us is how people are the grand architects of their own demise and that if they just listened to reason, they wouldn't be in such dire straits. Not to mention, since we listen so attentively and learn every little thing we can about you, you should really do likewise as it will make us feel appreciated and heard. We're also one of the few types of people who say what we mean, but we sometimes have a bad habit of being vague about it because we think what little we say should be extrapolated into the obvious. By keeping your ears open and your brain ticking, you'll manage to avoid a lot of unnecessary friction with your INTJ.

4. The Dichotomy of Cold Rationale and Raw Passion

Trust me, INTJs hate paradoxes and logical fallacies just as much as anyone, but this is an occupational hazard of being an INTJ. When it comes to everyday life, we try not to let our feelings get involved in a situation. Faced with a particularly challenging conundrum, we'll consider everything from the smart perspective and sometimes from the safe perspective, which in our minds is the right and truthful perspective(s). Ergo, there's no need to involve feelings.

However, the flip side to that is our passion. Sure, we can do a job exactly as it is outlined, but chances are we won't continue to do said job if it's boring or meaningless from the eternal perspective. Sure, we do a lot of things "by the book," but that's because we feel that is the best course of action. And when it comes to things we don't understand, such as the poor choices made by people, we can get quite hopping mad. In our lives, factual truth and absolute correctness are everything because when you act from such a position, you're never wrong or have to worry about pain or misfortune... and this is a perspective that we'll fight for tooth and nail!

5. Why Change a Good Thing?

Predictability and surety are beautiful things. With them, you always know where you stand and what to expect. Not to mention, it's just the most efficient way of going about things. Changes often bring challenges, uncertainties, and upset the order of things. As a result, you should expect your INTJ to like to keep things a certain way all the time. This usually extends itself to the times your INTJ eats meals at, what he likes to eat, and where he likes to keep his personal effects. Some things, especially the small, mundane things, just don't need to be messed with as there's nothing to be gained in doing so.

6. Evolve, Ascend, Transcend

Oh! Psych!

Turns out, not everything in an INTJ's life is stagnant. It's absolutely true that we like to keep our spoons in one specific drawer and fold our socks a certain way, but when it comes to big things, like traditions, we have a tendency to challenge them.

Now, don't think ill of us--we don't challenge traditional beliefs to be upstarts, we usually do it because we don't understand the reason behind it. When I was younger, I would often wear my hat indoors, partly because it was an awesome hat so why would I, but also because the belief that by doing so, it implied I was in a rush to leave didn't really cut the mustard with me. If a hat or jacket is a part of my look, why can't I keep them on regardless of where I go?

But on a different level, INTJs do believe in constantly improving themselves, whether that be by gaining knowledge, expanding horizons, sharpening our brains, or even working out and strengthening our bodies. This mostly has to do with the feeling that being "ordinary" is absolutely abhorrent to us, and we want to do as much as we can to not be like everyone else. Additionally, we're obsessed with perfection and we can constantly see areas in our life that need improvement. We're not the sort of person to say come cliché bull like, "I'm perfectly imperfect"; no, we're much more likely to say "'Nobody's perfect' is just an excuse for laziness". I mean, look at it like this, even if you aim for the moon and miss, you'll still land among the stars.

7. Show Us We're Wanted and Needed

Lastly, when you're dating an INTJ, you'll have be conscious of our Outsider Complex. Truth be told, due to our conflicting thought processes and our exceptionally high standards for everything, it's very easy for us to feel out of place everywhere and as if we don't belong anywhere. Most people can't understand us or are not interested in doing so, and since we don't exactly stick out socially, we often get the feeling that a social gathering would be exactly the same way without us, so why did we bother showing up if no one cares?

This is where Feeling types can shine, especially those who have Fe as their dominant or auxiliary function. INTJs have no difficulty knowing that they're important to the world, that what they can and will do will have an impact, but we also need to know that we have an impact in the personal lives of those closest to us. In order for us to form the strongest bonds with a person, we need to feel needed, wanted, and appreciated. And not just for our mental capabilities, but for everything we bring to a relationship, even the emotional support.

Conclusion

Like I said above, this is by no means an exhaustive or comprehensive list, and in fact, not all INTJs will agree with everything said here. Some INTJs will never understand feelings and some understand them better than most Fe's. That's the most important thing to remember here: MBTI isn't an all-encompassing, cheat code that instantly unlocks the secrets to every person on the planet. However, this should give you a few helpful tips in navigating a relationship with an INTJ.

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For my next post, I hope to finally have the Gothic Aesthetic of INTJs up. If I don't, then I'll try to get out more Quick and Dirty INTJ Thoughts as I am sitting on a mountain of those. 

Until then...

Keep writing, my friends.

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