Do INTJs Have Best Friends?

Hey, everyone.

For starters I would like to tell you guys that it looks like my schedule might get even busier. I was recently accepted by Geeks and Gamers as an article writer and their demands are kind of steep. They want three articles a week, and if I write an opinion post or a review the article needs to be a minimum of 1000 words. News articles can be shorter, but you lump all this in along with my blog, my personal writing, my new job, working out, etc. and there's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I decided I would try it to see if I can put up with the pressure and stress--if I can't, I'll resign. This and my novels and stuff is much more important.

Anyway, on to tonight's topic.

Friends

So I've been going through a rough patch with a friend of mine. I considered her a close friend, but it really doesn't seem that way given some of our disagreements recently. Taking stock of my overall friend situation, I question if those I consider my friends are actually my friends. They may consider me their friend, but you know INTJs, we keep people at a distance. This is so we protect ourselves, so when we do finally "let someone in," it's a big to-do. There's no party or cake, but it's a big deal to us. With lesser relationships we can just walk away, but with those who we consider to be our confidants, it's not that simple. And when we can't walk away we feel foolish because that makes us feel soft and vulnerable.

Part of my problem is that "friends" is no longer an easy concept for me. When I was about 11, I had a shrink say to me that my friends were just "acquaintances" because I never did anything with them outside of school. That one statement has f*cked me up for nearly two decades. Ever since then I haven't been sure of who's my friend and who isn't, and finding out I was an INTJ didn't help. I don't want to pigeonhole myself, but I'm afraid I may have as my standards for everything, including what I consider a friend, has greatly risen. As a result, I'm not an easy person to befriend or be friends with.

Part of the friend standards thing is I have an ideal of what it means to be friends. (Everyone probably does.) But unlike some others who accept that their ideals may never be real, INTJs admit to reality while always striving for the ideal, especially when it concerns things they have control of.

Getting back to the ideal friend(ship), if for whatever reason we think the ideal friendship exists or has been found, but something happens and it doesn't match the ideal, that means we're wrong. This particular "wrongness" is quite disconcerting because it means we opened ourselves up under false pretenses, which means there's some very private information out there that shouldn't be. Imagine our panic.

Best Friends

Given this new insight into how difficult it is for INTJs to trust and befriend and be befriended, you can imagine how difficult it is for us to have best friends. Not only is there an extremely high criteria for it, but it also comes with a level of trust and support from us that if you betray, your f*cking head will roll. Maybe not literally, but there will be a sh*tstorm of homeric proportions.

So, going back to my original question: do INTJs have best friends? Answer: It's possible, but not very probable. That level of trust does not come easily. Regarding my current friend and the troubles I've had with her, I've begun to re-evaluate things on multiple levels. Why? I don't know, but after reading up on the difficulties surrounding opposite-sex friendships and the "friend zone," I think her sex is definitely contributory to our problems.

Final Words

Despite my problems the conclusion is that INTJs can have friends and even best friends, but it is not an easy position to obtain. One meme on Pinterest says, "If you're friends with an INTJ, you're not an average person," and that's very true. But given who my friends and my "friends" are and why I consider(ed) them friends, that statement is still true, but applies to fewer people in my life now. Don't misunderstand me--I have greatly appreciated the companionship offered by my FINOs (friends-in-name-only), but if things don't match what I want/need, something needs to change.

One more thing: It absolutely blows an INTJ's mind when there's someone out there who actually looks forward to seeing us. We know how big of a pain in the ass we are, and if we were our friends, we'd have quit on ourselves a long time ago. So whenever someone does put up with us and stays by our side, we're deeply touched and grateful. It's something we deeply desire, but it's not something we expect to happen.

***

I apologize for this post being all over the place and for the paragraphs being long, but it's an emotional time for me, and being an INTJ, I have a lot of thoughts about it and a lot of feelings that I tend to suppress. And if you want to make sure you never miss another messy emotional moment of mine, please join my mailing list, or if you want to make sure I keep writing despite whatever displeasure life throws at me, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even $1 a month cheers me up.

As for next week's post, I'm still in that creative, emotional purgatory. I'll probably cover what INTJs look for in a relationship, and that'll cover both friendships and dating. And I apologize if it's late because I'm writing for Geeks and Gamers. 

Keep writing, my friends.

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How Would An INTJ Propose?

Hey, everyone.

I'm sorry this didn't go up last week like it should have. My life has been in a real state of transition lately what with getting the new computer, transferring over files, running a criminal enterprise on GTA, and the fact that two weeks ago I was simultaneously looking after my uncle's dogs and my sister's rabbit. Obviously, there hasn't been too much time to sit down and write. This will be the first blog post done on the new computer--but that's not much of a milestone since I'm still using my old USB keyboard.

Speaking of blog posts, I know I promised that one where I write about what it's like to grow up as an INTJ and when it was that I realized I was different, unfortunately, it may not be that interesting or as intensive as I thought. So until I'm ready to really tackle that bad boy, I came up with all sorts of other topics to cover, not including my Being A Writer, Quick and Dirty INTJ Thoughts, and Weird Moments with INTJ meme posts. So, what do I have for you today?

One of my friends recently got engaged, and I've always (secretly) been a romantic at heart--two of my favorite animes are technically romantic comedies--and when we went for a walk last Saturday, I asked her about her ring. She then launched into the story about how her fiancé proposed to her, and later that night or the next, I started to think about how I would propose and how it may be different from a typical proposal. So, how would an INTJ propose?

Pre-Req's

Where I come from, engagement is a big deal--a big f*cking deal. Being raised in a traditionally Catholic family where we kinda-sorta look down on divorces and second marriages, we take this marriage business very seriously. As a result, it's not something that we, or myself, go into willy-nilly. There are several pre-requisites that need to be addressed first.

Time

I once saw a statistic on Pinterest that said it takes 3 to 5 years for you to completely know a person. Given this information, I would like to know my future bride for at least 3 years first. I know given my age, 29, that that isn't necessarily ideal. If I were to marry a girl my own age, she may feel a little more rushed to get it over and done with, but I won't be rushed--I'll have my courtship first.

Love

Obviously if we're getting married there should be love or some sort of affection between us. Having never been in love myself, I'm not sure if I know what to expect. My Old Man once told me that if he were to describe love to me, he would use song lyrics to do so because it does feel like that.

Although, I once met a priest who said that he always interviews new couples before they get married, and one of the questions he asks them, individually, is to describe their love for their future spouse. He said one of the stupidest answers he ever got was "She completes me." Fr. Ben then pointed at the crucifix on the wall and said, "That's what true love looks like." So, I guess I know what love is supposed to be.

Similar Interests/Goals

Obviously, this should be an aspect of love, what with the fact that the more you have in common with a partner, the more likely you are to stay together, or at least that's what my last shrink said (and eHarmony tends to agree). In addition, I generally think it's a bad idea to marry someone who has a very different perspective of the future from your own.

It's not uncommon to hear about a couple marrying and you hear that she wants his kids, but he doesn't. Some men do change and come around to the idea, while others accept the eventuality but don't work toward it, and some man up to the challenge, but if they had it their way, they'd prefer not to be fathers. Regardless of how it goes, I think this is a grave mistake. If your partner doesn't want children and you do, do you really think it a good idea to get married? Similarly, other disagreements can come in the shape of where you two are going to live, how you're going to handle your parents when they start getting old, how to handle each other if one of you contracts a debilitating illness, how to handle money, and how kinky things will get in the bedroom.

Now, some of these can be decided later or can change. I once read a story about a guy who's wife refused to give him oral sex until one night in the heat of the moment she surprised him with it, but basically my belief here is that you should marry someone who has similar visions and expectations for the future. I would never marry a woman who refused to let me own guns, sports cars, or dogs. Similarly, I wouldn't expect a city girl who loves cats to be chomping at the bit to marry me if I forbid cats in my house or absolutely refused to move to the city. So these sorts of things need to be the same.

Permission/Family Acceptance

All too often we hear stories about how the in-laws hate their son or daughter's significant other, or vice versa. It's a very common plot line in many rom-coms. But the fact of the matter is that if you're on good terms with your parents, you really should make sure they approve of your partner and your partner's parents since you're going to be family. Some say you can't choose your family, but this is one case where you can, so why wouldn't you take as much advantage of that as possible? I know I have some relatives where I would like a re-draw. But anyway, if my parents didn't like my potential bride or they didn't like her parents, or vice versa, I don't think I could marry said girl because although I don't talk about it, my family is actually very important to me. But what if everyone does like each other? What's next?

Well, some parents might think it outdated or that it doesn't concern them, but I would ask my bride-to-be's parents for her hand in marriage. Not only that, but I would also invite my parents, my siblings, my closest friends, her siblings, and her closest friends, and make sure everyone approves. After all, we're all going to be family and friends after this, so it's important to me that everyone agrees.

The Proposal

So, with all that out of the way, how would I actually go about it?

Place

It's honestly kind of hard to speculate on the place where I would propose. My first inclination would be to choose a place that is special to both my future bride and me. I'd probably go for something corny like wherever our first date was or where we shared our first kiss. However, if none of those were good options, I might instead choose a location that's special to her or overflowing with natural beauty, like a forest or something. Honestly, regardless of how it goes down, I would prefer a forest or woods of some kind, maybe an orchard--that's very Michigan. And I'd probably propose in fall or winter so as to improve the chances of us being alone. I know winter isn't ideal, but being alone is.

Ring

This may seem like an odd consideration--after all, who pops the question without the ring being present? Well, my friend Jessica was proposed to without the ring. Her boyfriend--now fiancé--didn't want to waste the waterfall they were biking past in Canada, and he unfortunately didn't have the ring ready, so he instead gave her a Ring Pop, which she then ate. But for me, I need to have the ring handy (no pun intended).

I want to do this right. And because I want to do it right, the ring will need to be properly fitted, and hopefully it's something that we both like. True, the ring is for her, but I really feel like too many women put too big of an importance on the engagement ring--I mean, what's really important here: the man you're marrying or the hunk of polished stone on a metal band to represent that union? As you can probably tell from the way I described an engagement ring, I'm hoping to have a fiancée who isn't materialistic and can deal with a modest ring. 


To Kneel, or Not to Kneel?

Whether or not I kneel depends on where we are when I propose. If we're actually out in the woods like I would like, I probably wouldn't kneel unless my fiancée really has a thing for tradition. While I do think the kneel is nice, part of me sees it as begging or as lowering myself beneath her. In my relationship, I want us to be equals--or at the very least, I want to be dominant--so with either perspective, I would like to be standing. Plus, I think standing would go along better with what I would say.

The Proposal

For me, there will be no simple "Will you marry me." I want what I say to build up. I suppose I would start talking about love, specifically our love and relationship, and what a journey it has been. I would then dwell on the future and our relationship's prospects. Recently I thought up the line, "It's one thing to imagine my future with you, but it's quite another that I am incapable of imagining my future without you." I think that speaks volumes about a person's importance in one's life. Then immediately following I would bring out the ring and say something along the lines of "Would you consider being in a position where you're always in my future?" or something like that. That line is a little clunky, but it gets across my basic idea in a way I feel that is very INTJ-like.

The INTJ Proposal

Speaking of being INTJ-like, let's now examine how this proposal differs from a regular one.

The first thing that hits me is that it is very thorough and planned out, especially when it comes to the whole idea of making sure that both sides of the family and friends approve, not to mention all the other little details, such as kneeling, that are addressed or considered. The whole thing has a large element of rationale and reason, and not emotion or sentimentality. While those things may have brought me to make this decision, I still keep my rationale working.

Another thing I noticed is that it's not all about the woman--there is an element in there where it is about the man. After all, we're talking about an engagement to be married. Marriage isn't just for the wife, it's also for the husband--sex isn't the only boon he's promised out of the deal. Similarly, the husband--me--has been considered in these proposal arrangements. After all, he/I should be--he's/I'm the one popping the question. So there is an angle to this whole thing that is as much about me as it is about her. It could be argued that my entire plan is about me, but that's only because I don't have a girlfriend or fiancée to think about, so how can I think about it, eh?

***

Well, that was how an INTJ might propose. Hopefully, for all you lucky ladies out there who are expecting your INTJ men to pop the question soon will now know what to expect. And if you want to make sure you always know what to expect from me, please join my mailing list, or if you want to make sure I keep writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even $1 a month can help me out.

As for next week's post, I'm not sure what I'll do. I have so many ideas, and I think I was just poached by another organization to write articles for them. In which case, I'll just write whatever I feel is easiest or whatever I have the most motivation for. Until then though...

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:

Amazon: My Author Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
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