Hey, everyone.
I typically don't write movie criticisms for my blog, but as I have an idea for an original
Star Wars story, I wanted to see if I could use the Disney
SW sh*tstorm to my advantage to drum up readers. So, to all those new to my blog, welcome.
But this isn't my original story idea. No; for this series, I'm going to discuss how I would re-write the prequel and sequel trilogies because they both suck. One has bad characters, a bad story, and boring politics while the other has bad characters, a bad story, and bad politics.
So, let's start off this re-write for
The Phantom Menace the way any
Star Wars movie begins: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Setting the Stage
Concerning Yoda and the Sith
Before we get to the story proper, we have to set the stage. When it comes to the mysticism of Yoda, I believe he should be a very wise Jedi and not prone to physical fighting as he was in the prequels. Some say that's bollocks because there is a twenty year gap between the prequels and the OT which is plenty of time for Yoda to have changed. While I agree it is, the problem with that is that Yoda is almost a millennium old. When he finally kicks the bucket, he's almost 900 years old, which would put him at about 880 during the prequels--Yoda should be pretty set in his ways by 880. He shouldn't be prone to wild changes in opinion anymore. He's been around too long and seen too much to be wishy-washy or a flip-flopper.
Having established the fact that Yoda is really fricking old, I would like to cover something else about Yoda--his connection to the Force. Before filming of
The Last Jedi began, Mark Hamill admitted to having some preconceived notions what Luke would be like as an old man. One of his preconceived notions was that Luke would be more-or-less of an all-powerful, all-wise Jedi Grand Master. There's nothing wrong with this idea, but when we factor in that Luke is only in his mid to late 50's in
TLJ, if we apply this idea to Yoda who is 880 years old at the start of the prequels, how powerful and wise do you think Yoda should be?
Personally, I think he should be
so powerful that he's practically untouchable by Palpatine and Darth Plagueis. Extrapolate this further and the whole duel between Yoda and Count Dooku is just mental masturbation. Yoda should be so powerful that with a stray thought, Dooku would end up splattered against the far wall and be nothing more than a red stain. You may argue that this is unbefitting behavior for a Jedi, and while you're right, Yoda is still powerful enough that he could render Dooku a complete simpleton and then probe his mind to find out anything he wants to. The only reason why he doesn't is because of either bad writing, "the Force doesn't work like that," or no one has ever thought of the Force in these terms before.
But the point is that Yoda should be so powerful in the Force that with a wave of his hand, every single council member should crap their pants in an instant.
So, if Yoda is that powerful, how does Palpatine get to be Supreme Chancellor without arising suspicion?
Here's where I would bring in Darth Plagueis. I know that he's mentioned in the Palpatine novel when Palpatine decides to kill him, but I would keep Plagueis around for at least a little while. Another thing I would do is banish the Rule of Two. Why? Because it's stupid. While I understand that keeping evil organized is a great challenge because evil always wants to eat its own, I believe that a truly evil master would allow for as many evil apprentices to exist as possible. Why? Because every time the master is challenged and wins, he becomes stronger until his power is absolute, or if he loses, the apprentice that succeeds him is truly that much more powerful that he truly deserves to be the master.
(Think the new
Star Wars and its toys are all rubbish? Here's a
conversation just for you.)
In my setting, I have Darth Plagueis, Palpatine, and another top apprentice who I will refer to as Darth X. What's their plan? They want to see the Sith rule the galaxy. How do they do that? They manipulate the galaxy into a colossal war, which allows one of them to become Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, acquire complete executive power, and then reorganize the Republic into an empire. But what are their obstacles? Answer: Yoda, the Jedi Order, and the fact that peace is now the rule and not the exception of the galaxy. So how do Plagueis, Palpatine, and Darth X go about starting their galactic war?
Step 1:
Plagueis is somewhere off in the Unknown Regions in an ancient Sith or dark side temple where he's using artifacts, holocrons, and human sacrifices to magnify his dark powers, and is hiding himself and preventing his apprentices from being detected. He then uses his amplified dark powers to cloud the minds of the Jedi, specifically Yoda, but he does it so discretely that the Jedi Order has no idea it's happening.
Step 2:
Palpatine enters the Republic as a senator, and thanks to Plagueis disguising him, he's able to rise to a position of power, influence, and popularity from which he could make a bid to become Supreme Chancellor.
Step 3:
In order to expose the personal weaknesses of Chancellor Valorum during wartime and get Palpatine into office, Darth X whispers a few choice words into the ears of a few choice systems and begins the Separatist movement. Then when the Republic reacts and tries to keep the systems from leaving, he manipulates them into pushing back and guerilla warfare erupts.
So far so good. But now we must introduce our other major players into the story: Anakin, Padme, and Obi-Wan.
(Like guns and
Star Wars, but hate Kathleen Kennedy? So does
this guy.)
Concerning Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme
First thing I'm going to do is throw out the idea that Padme and Anakin are kids when they first meet. It was a terrible idea, not to mention, who would elect a 14-year old girl to queenhood. Maybe a single country, but not an entire planet. I'm also going to say that Obi-Wan is already a Jedi Knight and not an apprentice. Sorry, but Qui-Gon has no reason for existing.
The First Act
So the movie would open the way
Attack of the Clones did with an attempt on Padme's life because she's one of the few senators in the Republic still fighting for peace and trying to prevent a galactic war. Palpatine, the other senator from Naboo and feigning concern for her safety, advises her to get a bodyguard in the form of a Jedi Knight, which is a clever ploy to begin the killing off of the Jedi as the assassins going after Padme are Sith warriors trained by Plagueis.
From there, Padme would be assigned a bodyguard in the form of Obi-Wan, and because the Jedi Order is concerned for her safety, they order her off Coruscant and into hiding. She refuses to go, but accepts when Palpatine gives her his word that he'll fight the Military Creation Act in her stead. So Padme and Obi-Wan leave Coruscant and start heading to a safe house on some mysterious planet that isn't Naboo because that's like the first place the assassins will look after she disappears.
But one of the assassins, let's say Darth Maul, manages to trail Padme and Obi-Wan, and he shoots them down, marooning them on a strange, uncivilized planet. If you really want to be picky about this, it can be Tatooine, but I really think it should be a different planet as in the OT, Uncle Owen was Obi-Wan's brother, not Anakin's, thus we still have the Tatooine-Skywalker connection, and there's no need for the plot convenience that Anakin is also from Tatooine.
Anyway, while they're marooned on this planet, Obi-Wan senses a disturbance in the Force...
The Second Act
This disturbance in the Force is obviously Anakin, who for whatever contrived reason, stumbles across Padme and Obi-Wan. Now, Anakin is originally described as being "noble" and "giving without thinking of anything in return." Because of Anakin's natural generosity, he offers to fix their ship. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan, who can't believe the size of the aura surrounding him, is at first suspicious about his intentions, but Padme, who is a young woman in her prime, is quite taken with the handsome, generous, and handy young Anakin, so she starts making eyes at him and the like.
As for Maul, he finds them on the planet, but he doesn't confront them immediately. He knows Obi-Wan is a Jedi and he can feel Anakin's natural aura, so he sends word out to his buddies and waits for them to join him. Meanwhile in the Senate, Palpatine feigns strategic losses and gains in preventing the Military Creation Act. He gains more Senators to the cause of stopping it, but they're weak-willed senators with very little influence while losing those who are big, powerful obstacles to the Act. He himself even begins to show his own resolve waning.
(Want to know why the
Star Wars prequels suck? Grab a beer and some pizza rolls, and
click here.)
To add to the drama of above, there would then be a few scenes with Darth X pushing the Separatist leaders into taking bolder and bolder military strikes, maybe even mentioning the idea of creating their own army, possibly from clones. (Hint, hint.) While that's going on, the Jedi Council and Republic is sending out ambassadors to meet with Separatist leaders in an attempt to keep them from leaving the Republic, but this is just a clever ploy to assassinate the peacekeepers. Don't worry though, Darth Plagueis is covering their actions or at the least, preventing Yoda from seeing what is causing their deaths.
Back on the uncivilized planet, Anakin finishes the repairs on the ship. Maybe he asks a question or two about why they were shot down, but for the time being, Padme and Obi-Wan dodge the question. Then, as Obi-Wan starts prepping the ship for take off, Padme lags behind working up the courage to ask Anakin to join them. But she never gets the chance as that is when the Sith warriors attack. Obi-Wan does his best to fend them off, but Anakin gets to the cockpit and takes off, rescuing Obi-Wan in an overhead fly-by.
They're not out of the clear just yet as the Sith warriors have a blockade prepared. But Anakin, thanks to his natural piloting abilities and his uniquely high Force-sensitivity, is able to maneuver around all the Sith ships and make a hasty jump to light speed. After the jump, Padme comes clean about who she is and why there are people trying to kill her. Obi-Wan then chimes in that their attackers belong to the long-believed-extinct faction known as the Sith. Knowing this is a huge problem that has to be dealt with, he makes plans to send word back to Coruscant as soon as they drop out of hyperspace.
(Sick of the bullsh*t coming out of Lucasfilm? So are these world class "
gentlemen.")
In the meantime, Obi-Wan openly confronts Anakin and tries to learn his story. Anakin merely says that he's just "some guy" who's always had a natural affinity for machinery and piloting, and he currently lives with his aging mother, taking care of her. When Obi-Wan asks about his father, Anakin says he was just some "fly-boy" or "laser-brain" who shacked up with his mother for a while before jetting off. In my story, Anakin is not a virgin birth, a space Jesus--Spesus--nor is he any sort of "Chosen One" destined to balance the Force. He's just an ordinary pendejo who's especially sensitive to the Force. And because his father was never around, this makes him particularly susceptible to familial ties, such as his mother, or even a possible future son who could redeem him.
Obi-Wan then comes clean with Anakin about his unusual potential in the Force and asks him if he'd be interested in joining the Jedi Order. Anakin is hesitant at first having heard a lot of unflattering things about the Jedi, including indoctrination and a terribly strict lifestyle. Obi-Wan assures him things aren't that bad, and even gives him some preliminary training on the ship just to see what he makes of it.
This is also where Padme begins really flirting with Anakin because now she's super impressed with the fact that he could be a Jedi. She even flirted a little with Obi-Wan when they first met, but he rejected her because Jedi are called to deny themselves and their personhood to give everything they have and are to the call of the Light Side of the Force. But in Anakin, Padme sees a more rational and rebellious mind that even if he does become a Jedi, he would totally still date on the DL.
(Like comics and
Star Wars but tired of soy-based entertainment?
Discover the uncle you never knew you had.)
The Third Act
The last act begins with tensions in the Senate getting worse. The Separatists are growing bolder and the Republic's and Jedi Order's ambassadors aren't returning. Chancellor Valorum's nerves are shot since he doesn't know what to do. Palpatine meanwhile steps up and shows himself to be quite cool-headed and confident despite fighting the Military Creation Act. Palpatine begins demanding any kind of action from Valorum, but since he can't deliver, a "Vote of No Confidence" is called. Palpatine puts his name in the running for Chancellor and he seems a near shoe-in.
Anakin, Padme, and Obi-Wan finally drop out of hyperspace and Obi-Wan makes contact with the Jedi Order telling them about the Sith. The High Council is of course startled as they believed the Sith were extinct, but this does begin to answer their questions about the missing Jedi and Republic ambassadors. They begin to suspect a Sith plot to take over the galaxy through the war, but they only speculate about it from the angle of the Separatist movement and not within the Republic as they have no reason to suspect it.
(Are you a geek or a gamer? Maybe both? Well,
this guy has got videoooooos for you.)
Obi-Wan's call with the Council is cut short when they're attacked by the Sith warriors who planted a tracker on the ship as Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme were fleeing. As they drop down to the planet that was supposed to be Padme's "safe house," Republic fighters are scrambled and they are able to prevent the Sith from attacking them as they land. But there are more Sith than Republic and they shoot down the fighters. The Sith land on the planet and after exiting their ships, we get an epic action/chase scene with Obi-Wan engaging the Sith as needed and Anakin shooting those he can while escorting Padme to the safe house. Hell, there are even some Republic troops and security personnel who join the fight.
Eventually, Anakin and Padme end up in a room where they should be safe, but they're actually cornered by the advancing Sith, who are slicing their way through the Republic security forces. That's when Darth Maul finds a secret way into their room. He duels Anakin as Anakin managed to salvage a lightsaber off one of the Sith he killed earlier. But as Anakin isn't trained very well, he does sustain a few injuries while Maul toys with him. Anakin begins relying more and more heavily on the Force, specifically fueled by his negative emotions such as fear and hatred. While powerful, he lacks control, and Maul manages to incapacitate him.
(Want to feel the unbridled rage invoked by
The Last Jedi?
Click here.)
Maul advances on Padme and gets ready to kill her just as the other Sith warriors enter the room. One of them grabs her, but just before the deadly blow can be struck, Anakin's fury rises to a terrifying crescendo and the entire safe house groans under his power. The Sith warriors are choked, flung, crushed, and otherwise mutilated as Anakin manages to draw himself up and approach Padme. It is only at this point do the Sith begin to realize they f*cked up. They try to battle Anakin, but he kills them all.
Anakin finally reaches Padme and he collapses into her arms. While she was scared during the whole ordeal, she's more relieved to be alive than scared of anything Anakin did. As they embrace, Anakin says something to the effect of "I'd never let anything happen to you," and their embrace goes on for longer than a "just friends" hug. The camera pans back and Obi-Wan is shown to be standing in the door way. While he's amazed and terrified at Anakin's potential, he notes that there is good in Anakin, and if fostered, Anakin can become a great Jedi.
Finally, back on Coruscant, Palpatine has won the election to Supreme Chancellor, and amid more and more aggressive attacks from the Separatists, as well as being informed by the Jedi that a more sinister and more powerful enemy may be behind it all, Palpatine feigns sadness as he signs the Military Creation Act.
***
And that's how I would re-write The Phantom Menace. Some of you might say that this is just an amalgation of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, but that's the point. Nothing happens in Menace that couldn't have been covered in Clones, which is where the prequel story finally gets going. This allows for more important things to happen in Clones, such as showing the great toll the war takes on the galaxy and it allows room for Ahsoka Tano to be a movie canon character now.
Anyway, that's it for now. I will return later with my re-written version of
Attack of the Clones later, or maybe I'll cover
Soylo: A Soy Wars Soyry as I am going to see it. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy the rest of my blog, and it you like my writing, please consider joining my
mailing list or supporting me on
Patreon. And for everybody who wants to know what my original
Star Wars story is about, here's the pitch:
A new dark empire known as the Goeth Domination is gaining in power, but is still quite small. In their search for more power, they go to a desert planet seeking an ancient Sith holocron, but a newcomer to their team, known as the Knight Errant, has outed their operation to the Republic. In response, the Republic asks the Jedi Order to investigate and they send two Jedi Masters along with five promising padawans along with a regiment of troops. While the Jedi seem to be outmatched by the Domination, one of the padawans is drawn to the Knight Errant who possesses a unique understanding of the Force.
Look for the first chapter of Star Wars: The Knight Errant to drop sometime next month.
Keep writing, my friends.
More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Instagram: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
