The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead Excerpt: Act V--Sinead's Dramatic Monologues

Hey, everyone.

This is the last day of my promotion for The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead which means you only have one more evening to download it for free here. And in honor of that, here are two monologues delivered by Sinead at the end of the play.

Act V, Scene I

Sinéad: Enough, Henry. I must defend myself
To these coistrels.[1] Gentlemen, do not think
Me a Joan[2] or trull[3] who needs to mask
As a man from some vulnerability.[4]
I learned the art of war to appease
The ghost of my father, good Exeter.
Why should it be shameful for his daughter
To study his school and learn his art?
As for Queenhood, I ne’er desired it,
But by God’s will, I am your queen now.
I do not ask you to worship me
Like you would Richard, my great-grandsire.
The only worship I demand is that
You serve your country and countrymen
To make safe our borders and secure them
From those who would enslave the free people
Of Albion. By God, I am not
Covetous for gold, for such things dwell not
In my desires. But if it be a sin
To covet honour, I am the most
Offending soul alive.[5] What say you?
Will you serve?

---

[1] Low fellow, knave

[2] Low-class woman

[3] Whore

[4] Based on a quote from Jean Howard (qtd. in Levin, 127). “‘It is tempting to speculate that […] lower-class women may well have assumed [men’s clothes] from a sense of vulnerability’.” See sources.

[5] Quote from Henry V at 4.3.24, 27-29

Act V, Scene 1

Sinéad: Come and let us fight with dread Gallia.
The enemy may challenge my sex
For I am a woman, so may I
Challenge their mold for they are but men.
[Soliloquy.] Nuncle. Father. Give me the strength and words. [End Soliloquy.]
[to Army] Soldiers of Albion! Hear me now.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Shall remember what feats he did this day.
Our names as familiar as household words.
John, the Warrior King, Gloucester, the Duke
Assassin, and Sinéad, Knight-Queen of Exeter![1]
Army: Long live the queen! God save the queen!                                                            
Sinéad: We few, we happy few, we band of soldiers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition.[2]
Here on these shores, Gallia’s army faces
Annihilation. Terror embraces
Their souls well knowing the dread they have
Suffered at the past swords of Albion.
Now they give witness to the future sires
Of their destruction! Give thanks to those nobles
Who killed, died, and taught us the meaning of virtue!
Go forth, and do not fear death! Arise, knights!
Arise, warriors of Albion!
A day flooded by Gallian blood
Ere the moon rises! To victory!             Exeunt with Sinéad leading the charge.

---

[1] Based on a quote from Henry V, 4.3.44, 51-54

[2] Based on the same quote, 4.3.60-63

***

 

The kingdom of Albion has enjoyed an unprecedented era of success in war and foreign diplomacy thanks to its guild of assassins led by the Duke of Gloucester and the kingdom's elite knights led by Gloucester's niece the Captain Sinéad. But the old foe, Calais, general of the forces of Gallia, seeks retribution for suffering losses to them both enacting a scheme that will pit these two paragon guardians against each other and the Crown. For the sake of Albion, Gloucester and Sinéad must find a way to reconcile before Calais can ravage the kingdom.

Included is a free copy of Love's Labour's Won:
Shakespeare's romantic comedy "Love's Labour's Lost" ended with a cliffhanger in Act 5, Scene 2. The four courtly couples swore to meet again after a "twelvemonth and a day," and upon that day, they would swear their oaths and be together. But, "Love's Labour's Lost" remained unfinished with other plays (i.e. "All's Well That End's Well") taking the place of its conclusion. Finally, after 400 years, one ambitious Shakespearean student undertook the burden to see "Love's Labour's Lost" finished.

 

*** 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar

The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead Excerpt: Act IV--Henry's Plea

Hey, everyone.

This is day 4 of my promotion for The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead which means I have Act IV scenes to share will all you all's. Well, actually it's only one piece of dialogue that I call Henry's Plea. By the way, my play is available for free download until this Saturday. You can get it here.

Act IV, Scene III Henry

Henry: Wherefore? Hath Calais struck your hearts with bane
So dread that you would forswear allegiance
To good Albion, the land of your fathers?
Would you see our land razed, our women and
Daughters ravaged, and our patriots
Executed without fair or due process
Save for the whims of a mad Gallian?
Will you not stand ‘mongst the two noblest armies
Who fight not for themselves but for us all?
Stand, unite, and fight with loyal Gloucester
And always faithful Captain Sinéad!
What say you?

***

 

The kingdom of Albion has enjoyed an unprecedented era of success in war and foreign diplomacy thanks to its guild of assassins led by the Duke of Gloucester and the kingdom's elite knights led by Gloucester's niece the Captain Sinéad. But the old foe, Calais, general of the forces of Gallia, seeks retribution for suffering losses to them both enacting a scheme that will pit these two paragon guardians against each other and the Crown. For the sake of Albion, Gloucester and Sinéad must find a way to reconcile before Calais can ravage the kingdom.

Included is a free copy of Love's Labour's Won:
Shakespeare's romantic comedy "Love's Labour's Lost" ended with a cliffhanger in Act 5, Scene 2. The four courtly couples swore to meet again after a "twelvemonth and a day," and upon that day, they would swear their oaths and be together. But, "Love's Labour's Lost" remained unfinished with other plays (i.e. "All's Well That End's Well") taking the place of its conclusion. Finally, after 400 years, one ambitious Shakespearean student undertook the burden to see "Love's Labour's Lost" finished.

 

*** 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar

The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead Excerpt: Act III Scenes

Hey, everyone.

This is day 3 of my promotion for The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead which means I have Act III scenes to share will all you all's. By the way, it's available for free download until this Saturday. You can get it here.

Act III, Scene II

Gloucester: [Soliloquy.] They crave a villain. They wish to abase
Me as a traitor. Stain my hands with blood
And give chase. A heart unspotted is not
Easily daunted[1]; but their words make my
Spirit haunted. Wherefore doth the queen and
Dukes pursue me? What power doth I own
That they should fear me? Why do they assault
My duchess with charges ‘gainst her chastity?
What tyranny doth regina hath a’mind?
Virtue is choked full of ambition[2]:
Is their complot to have me exiled?[3]
Who can accuse me? Wherein am I guilty?[4]
I have no plot for my dukes nor my queen;
Not for Albion nor the crown. How dare
They challenge me! He who gave Albion
Safety from wars and rogues. If they crave a
Villain, a villain I shall be! Who else
Are their lives subject to more than me?
They quake not with fear of the king,
But they do when my boots and voice doth ring!
Beshrew these bedlam bedfellows! The house
Of Gloucester will rule sovereign and engaol
Those who would stand against me! Who could?
Naught but the Captain! The Captain? My niece
Of honourable Exeter. Changing piece
‘Tis my ire and emotion. My honour
Returns. Help me God that I speak no more
Than the truth.[5] Help me God that I desire
Only to serve my cousin[6] and not bemire
Myself in darkest ambition and lose
My virtue to those whose tongues they abuse.
Virtue is choked with foul ambition;
‘Tis true enough. [End soliloquy.]

---

[1] A quote taken from King Henry the Sixth, Pt II, 3.1.100

[2] Another quote from 2 Henry VI, 3.1.143

[3] Based on the line at 3.1.147

[4] Quote of line 3.1.103

[5] Based on the 2 Henry VI  line at 3.1.120

[6] He’s talking about the king, but they’re not actually related.

Act III, Scene V

Enter Sinéad.

Sinéad: [Sees the Duchess impaled by her missing sword.]
The duchess is dead?! And what have we here?
‘Tis a sword. My sword! The one that I lost
When I came here last and was gifted
My father’s sword. Nuncle, did’st thou do this?             Enter Gloucester.
Gloucester: How now, dear niece? Wherefore art thou here?
What is—? Eleanor?!
Sinéad: Nuncle, I—
Gloucester: Stepest thee aside! [Crosses to his wife’s body.]
What evil spirit drove this blade through thine
Heart and ended thee? Who stole what is mine
And who shall pay for this deed with both
His body and soul? Whose gore shall make a broth
From which viler things shall darkly ascend
And with wailing shall serenade my mind’s descent?
Sinéad: Nuncle?
Gloucester: Wherefore art thou here? Forsooth, ‘tis thy sword
That I find buried in my wife’s heart’s cords.
Wherefore art thou here?
Sinéad: Verily, nuncle. ‘Tis my sword. But I
Did not kill the duchess, your beloved wife.
Gloucester: Ergo, what wind or spirit led you here?
Surely, thou witnessed the murder? Thou seer?
Sinéad: Verily, I did not, nuncle. Insooth,
Salisbury and Warwick are dead eke.
They met their end by Gloucester’s stiletto.
I came to arrest thee for the regents’ sake.
Gloucester: So, thou admitest that thou hast turned ‘gainst
Me? Now I see thy true nature. I sensed
A rebellion, but never thought my niece
Would turn her blade against me. Of all, least
My wife who would bear the brunt of the queen’s
Jealousy and madness which have turned obscene
And now claim thy heart.
Sinéad:                          Nay, nuncle! I serve
Not the queen! Only fair Albion.
Gloucester: Let’s allow God to decide thy innocence.
Draw thy sword. I’ll not allow this insolence. [Pulls the sword out of the Duchess and takes a guard.]
Sinéad: I will not fight thee, uncle.
Gloucester: May thy blood mix with my wife’s! [Gloucester strikes at Sinéad, but she draws her father’s sword to parry.]
Sinéad: I swear to thee, uncle. Prithee, forbear! [They duel.]
Gloucester: Thou art a great and noble knight. Oncet
I was also. On the battlefield I met
Gallians and delivered them to the Lord.
With great slaughter, red blood coloured my sword.
This blade is already of that tinge,
But for the innocent, I will swinge
The guilty and shed thy blood in equal share!
Sinéad: I swear to thee, uncle. Prithee, forbear!
Gloucester: [Beats her blade away and gains the upper hand.]
Thou art a recreant scullion[1] who serves
A false queen who’d betray and preserve
Thee not! Thy loyalty is only worth
As much as thy life. She hath a dearth
Of power but would sacrifice thee
For all she wants. When thou art dead, she’ll flee.
Sinéad: [Binds his blade down and now gains the upper hand.]
Thou art a peevish-fond[2] wretch, nuncle!
I never knew that thou wert so base.
With so little suspicion, thou turn face
And try to kill those about whom thou cared.
Behold! Perchance thou wert skilled and fared
Well in battle, but with thy mind raging,
I find thy skill and mind not engaging.
Thou art an old veteran and naught more. [Their swords cross and the duel halts.]
Gloucester: Old I may be, but I am not forsworn.
Sinéad: Thou art indeed, uncle. Necessity
Hath seen to that.
Gloucester:     Then let this be thy elegy.
No mercy. No mercy! No mercy
On thy soul! [He disarms her and begins to strangle her.]
Naught can save thee now. No honour hath I now.
If we break our vow, then ‘fore evil we bow.
I send thee into the inferno first.
Do not fear, I shall feel the fire’s worst.
But in thine eyes I see a friendly glint.
As if it is there to bewray[3] a hint
Of something lost forgotten. Exeter! [Gloucester  releases Sinéad.]
I see thy face. ‘Tis thy heart I shatter.
O, my dear friend, prithee forgive me.
In thy daughter, I could not see thee.
And thus in my madness, I lost virtue.
I shall banish myself by just statute.             Enter Messenger.
Messenger: Hark, noble duke! I bear a great burden.
The king and queen are both assassinated!
And the scoundrel Calais hath invaded!             Exit Messenger.
Gloucester: ‘Tis my darkest hour! I have lost it all.
My country and my family are lost.
‘Tis no reason to fight longer.
Sinéad: Prithee, nuncle. I beg thee to take
The throne of Albion and defend her
From the abortive Calais.
Gloucester: Alack! With no honour left to sustain
Me and no royal blood to maintain
The power, I have no right to rule!
Sinéad: I beg thee, nuncle. I will follow thy
Command and speak naught of what happened here.
Prithee, forgive me for my suspicions.             Enter Maline and Volpe escorting Menteur in shackles.
Volpe: My lord. We hath found the fell recreant.
Maline: By all the deaths, he is the miscreant.
Menteur: ‘Tis true! I killed them all. Glory to Gallia!
I killed the dukes and thy wife! I shall not
Repent.
Gloucester: Redemption is not a necessity. [Picks up the bloody sword.]
But your death is and your life is owed to me.
Menteur: Glory to— [Gloucester kills Menteur.]
Gloucester: May thy blood mix with my wife’s, but ne’er taint.
Hence, they are avenged and she is my saint.
Volpe: Are you now the king of Albion, my lord?
Gloucester: Nay. My sinful actions cannot afford
Me that position. Ergo, I become
The ancient Lord Protector. Sound the drums.
We have a duty to the fallen
And win this war by killing the Gallian.
Volpe, Maline, and Sinéad: Aye, our lord.
Gloucester: [Soliloquy.] When this war is done, I shall fade away
To redeem myself for my sins. On that day,
Sinéad will know the truth and be crowned queen.
‘Tis the only ending to this sad scene. [End soliloquy.]             Exeunt.

---

[1] Traitorous lackey

[2] Obstinately foolish

[3] To show

 

***

 

The kingdom of Albion has enjoyed an unprecedented era of success in war and foreign diplomacy thanks to its guild of assassins led by the Duke of Gloucester and the kingdom's elite knights led by Gloucester's niece the Captain Sinéad. But the old foe, Calais, general of the forces of Gallia, seeks retribution for suffering losses to them both enacting a scheme that will pit these two paragon guardians against each other and the Crown. For the sake of Albion, Gloucester and Sinéad must find a way to reconcile before Calais can ravage the kingdom.

Included is a free copy of Love's Labour's Won:
Shakespeare's romantic comedy "Love's Labour's Lost" ended with a cliffhanger in Act 5, Scene 2. The four courtly couples swore to meet again after a "twelvemonth and a day," and upon that day, they would swear their oaths and be together. But, "Love's Labour's Lost" remained unfinished with other plays (i.e. "All's Well That End's Well") taking the place of its conclusion. Finally, after 400 years, one ambitious Shakespearean student undertook the burden to see "Love's Labour's Lost" finished.

 

*** 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar


The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead Excerpt: Act II Scenes

Hey, everyone.

This is day 2 of my promotion for The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead which means I have Act II scenes to share will all you all's. By the way, it's available for free download until this Saturday. You can get it here.

Act II, Scene 1 Gloucester and Sinead

Gloucester: Aye. [to Sinéad] I regret my passion from the other

Day.

Sinéad: There is nothing to forgive, my lord.

You were only giving counsel for Albion

On what you thought best.

Gloucester:                   Mercy come anon

To me. Captain, if I may speak to thee?             [They talk apart.]

Wouldst thou knowest thine uncle to be me?

Sinéad: What?

Gloucester: Thou knowest that thy father and I

Were like kin?

Sinéad:            Aye, m’lord. A portrait at my home

Shows you with my father.

Gloucester:                           That picture doth roam

Far from me. It has been many years since

I last looked upon it. Speaking of the prince

Of Exeter, he wandered into my thoughts

As of late. And so I became fraught

That I had neglected my duty to you.

Ergo, by family, unto you I am due.

Call me uncle and thou shall be my niece,

So then fair Exeter will be at peace.

Sinéad: Gramercy, my uncle. May good befall

Us as our hearts were broken but now

They shall be mended.                                         

Gloucester:        My heart accords with yours.

I pray thee; hast thou heard any rumours

About thy grandsire?

Sinéad:                       That he was the squire

Of Richard the Third. Heard them I have.

All my life these prattlings have followed me.

Believe them I don’t, nor would I want.

To rule Albion is not my desire.

I only wish to defend her.

Gloucester: If my mind meet thy words and heart rightly,

Peradventure thou wouldst be interested

In possessing thy father’s blade

Then thou ought to do what is knightly?              

After his death in war, I kept his sword.

For thee, it would make a fine award.

Sinéad: Gramercy, uncle! Naught would give to me

More pleasure.

Gloucester: Come to my castle

When thou art free.

Act II, Scene IV Gloucester, Sinead, and Menteur

Menteur: Trust me, lord. I will find the faitor.
[aside] Though he is in my midst.[1]             Menteur hides somewhere on stage as though he has left. Enter Sinéad.
Gloucester: Ah. Dear niece. [He embraces her.]
Sinéad: Dearest uncle. How have you fared since the hunt?
Gloucester: A stag hath never given me such a brunt.
Yet, I am the one laughing with his head
In my wall. That broadhead left him well bled.
How didst thou fare in the noon with the queen?
Sinéad: She hath taken a hearty interest
In me. But whilst I was there a strange scene
Began to unfold. We were given witness
To the revelation of the deaths
Of Buckingham and Suffolk.
Gloucester:                       Their last breaths
Are not revelation to me. I know.
As the woe doth grow, Volpe seeks the foe.
Sinéad: The fox?[2]
Gloucester: Aye. My highest and best trusted assassin.
We will find he who committed the sin.
Also I know that the queen suspects me,
But I have knowledge not of this, truly.
Sinéad: I believe you, nuncle.
Gloucester:                        Gramercy.
About the other matter; here is thy
Father’s sword. [Takes out a sword that belonged to Exeter and gives it to Sinéad.]
                        It made many Gallians fly.
Menteur: [Soliloquy.] How dare he reveal such blasphemy
While one Gallian is present. May God
Smite him for his brazen spirit. [End soliloquy.]
Sinéad: It is magnificent. [She takes her own sword off her belt securing her father’s on and places her sword near where Menteur is hiding.]
                                   Gramercy, nuncle. [She embraces him.]
Menteur: [Soliloquy.] What’s this? What’s this?! Methinks an idea
Is hatched. A chance to sabotage both
The Captain and the Duke to turn them
Against the other and further weaken
The defenses of Albion. Aye. I shall. [End soliloquy; Menteur takes the sword Sinéad laid down and exits.]
Sinéad: By this sword, I swear to uphold our bond.
Gloucester: It pleaseth me well to see thou art fond
Of me.
Sinéad: Aye. But we know that fate is a changing
Piece. Do we not, nuncle?
Gloucester: Aye. And necessity would make us all
Forsworn. Let us pray that is not so.                                       
Come, niece. Supper is at hand and we shall
Dine together.             Exeunt.

---

[1] While “faitor” means “imposter,” it can also mean “cheat.” Menteur means it in this sense referring to how Gloucester has cheated Gallia of its victories.

[2] “Volpe” is Italian for “fox.”

 

***

 

The kingdom of Albion has enjoyed an unprecedented era of success in war and foreign diplomacy thanks to its guild of assassins led by the Duke of Gloucester and the kingdom's elite knights led by Gloucester's niece the Captain Sinéad. But the old foe, Calais, general of the forces of Gallia, seeks retribution for suffering losses to them both enacting a scheme that will pit these two paragon guardians against each other and the Crown. For the sake of Albion, Gloucester and Sinéad must find a way to reconcile before Calais can ravage the kingdom.

Included is a free copy of Love's Labour's Won:
Shakespeare's romantic comedy "Love's Labour's Lost" ended with a cliffhanger in Act 5, Scene 2. The four courtly couples swore to meet again after a "twelvemonth and a day," and upon that day, they would swear their oaths and be together. But, "Love's Labour's Lost" remained unfinished with other plays (i.e. "All's Well That End's Well") taking the place of its conclusion. Finally, after 400 years, one ambitious Shakespearean student undertook the burden to see "Love's Labour's Lost" finished.

 

*** 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar



The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead Excerpt: Act I Soliloquies

Hey, everyone.

So, I know I published this months ago, but I'm finally doing a promotion for my Shakespearean play The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead. It is available for free download until this Saturday. You can get it here.

And to help promote it, every day I'm going to release excerpts from it from different acts. Today are Act I soliloquies and bespoke by my male lead Gloucester. Enjoy!

Act 1, Scene II Gloucester

[Soliloquy.] Long have I suffered these doleful rumours.
Ne’er had I thought my wife was of such humours.
My dear friend Exeter, this was not what
Thou desired for thy daughter, though she strut
Most nobly and I know that she hath made thee proud.
This day she is cherished by the crowd.
Despite our wish for an Albion at peace,
Sinéad still learnt thine art without cease.
Ne’er did we believe that thee was of royalty;
But what if the rumour hath authority? [End soliloquy.]

Act I, Scene III Gloucester

[ Soliloquy.] The truth revealed.
How many know? How long can it be concealed?
Doth it need be hidden? Exeter,
I invoke thy aid; what is it that may be done?
Young Sinéad, what would he will, thy father?
Whom amongst thee are thy friends? Art thou alone?
Thou hath forged thine own fate for many years
But now comes politics of crowns and conspires.
Need’st thy father to save thee from tears,
Someone to protect thee from malicious liars.
Can’t have thy father now, but perchance an uncle?
An uncle to save thee from all the trouble
And to love thee as thy father would have.
Uncle I am, to love thee as I should have.

***

The kingdom of Albion has enjoyed an unprecedented era of success in war and foreign diplomacy thanks to its guild of assassins led by the Duke of Gloucester and the kingdom's elite knights led by Gloucester's niece the Captain Sinéad. But the old foe, Calais, general of the forces of Gallia, seeks retribution for suffering losses to them both enacting a scheme that will pit these two paragon guardians against each other and the Crown. For the sake of Albion, Gloucester and Sinéad must find a way to reconcile before Calais can ravage the kingdom.

Included is a free copy of Love's Labour's Won:
Shakespeare's romantic comedy "Love's Labour's Lost" ended with a cliffhanger in Act 5, Scene 2. The four courtly couples swore to meet again after a "twelvemonth and a day," and upon that day, they would swear their oaths and be together. But, "Love's Labour's Lost" remained unfinished with other plays (i.e. "All's Well That End's Well") taking the place of its conclusion. Finally, after 400 years, one ambitious Shakespearean student undertook the burden to see "Love's Labour's Lost" finished.

 

*** 

Keep writing, my friends.

More About Bryan C. Laesch:
Amazon: My Author Page, My Influencer Page
Facebook: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar
Patreon: Bryan C. Laesch
Twitter: BryanofallTrade
Youtube: Bryan C. Laesch, Bawdy Scholar

Self-Publishing Woes: ISBN and Formatting

Blast and damn!

My uncle likes to say "Art is not for the weak, timid, or humble." It takes balls to make something creative and then to say to somebody, "Hey, you should buy this. It'll improve your life. Trust me." Not only that, but it opens you up to rejection or people telling you that you suck.

But if you want to write for a living, you have to firmly clasp your cojones and do it!

While I originally got my first public start on Inkitt with my first novel Remnants of Chaos: Chaotic Omens, which I think has been doing well, jumping into the inhospitable waters of self-publishing is a whole new ball game. But, services like Amazon's Kindle Digital Publishing do make it easier. Not much, but they do.

So, anyway, a few months ago I was thinking about finally jumping into the world of self-publishing. I was working on a book at the time that would become my Defining Beauty: A Philosophy on Feminine Beauty. And I thought about how much it could do for me if I published it. But then, I really started thinking. "Hey," I thought, "I've got this play lying around that I wrote in college. It was my Honors Project, so it's pretty much already professionally done. Why don't I publish that? People like Shakespeare and the idea that someone wrote a play in the Shakespearean style might really blow some minds." So, I decided to self-publish that also.

Then, I joined a mailing list called Authors Publish Magazine. It's essentially a newsletter that tells other authors about who's publishing right now and what they're looking for. In one of their newsletters, they detailed a few sites and publishers looking for horror short stories. As it so happens to be, I've been sitting on one that again, I did back in college. I thought I might submit it and see if it got in, but then I had a brainwave...

"Why submit my story to this site, which has all these submission rules, when I can self-publish my story? Yeah. Then that way, I can have complete publication rights on it, and I can keep making money off it instead of just once. Heck! I know what I'll do, I'll write a couple more horror shorts and combine them into an anthology and self-publish that bitch! Yeah!"

Well, here we are a few months later. And how has it gone? Well, it's alright I suppose. I unfortunately just finished the horror shorts and I am now in the process of editing them. I hope to have them self-published by Friday. But what about the other two projects? The Passion of Gloucester and Sinead and Defining Beauty?

Well, I decided to e-publish The Passion first, and what a learning experience that was. For the Kindle edition, I just uploaded the document and I was finished. But, the paperback edition... holy shit! I spent hours on that bitch. I'd never heard of trim size and gutters, and I've never messed with margins. And just because I messed with paper size and margins on one page of the document, didn't mean it would work on all pages which is weird as hell. Thank God for ctrl+A.

But even still, I wanted to pull my hair out. One of the more interesting things that happened with The Passion was that after I messed with paper size, all the scene information, i.e. which scene it is, where it is, who's in it, all that got separated from the dialogue. The first time around, I just accepted it uploaded it that way. Thank God no one bought it yet as just yesterday I found a way to finagle it so that it would all be together. And to keep things consistent, I made sure that Kindle edition and the paperback were exactly the same in terms of layout which required multiple re-uploads.

As for Defining Beauty, the process was much easier, but still took hours! Seriously, Amazon KDP is not in a rush to get anything done. But there was still a complication: ISBN. What is ISBN? Basically it's an identification number that all books have that register them as existing. It's like a birth certificate or social security number. Thing is though, Kindle and other e-format books don't need one, but physical books do. You can either buy them yourself, 1 for $125, 10 for $575, or 1000 for $1000, or you can be supplied one. Amazon supplies one for free. So, that wasn't the problem.

The problem was that when I first decided to make paperback versions of The Passion and found out about the teeny details that go into formatting a paperback, one of the pages that were in the sample was an ISBN page. Now, you don't need an ISBN page because the ISBN will be on the back of the book with the barcode, but to keep things elegant, I went ahead and put both the ISBN-10 and ISBN-13 on my copyright page of The Passion, and there were no problems. But Defining Beauty... ugh! I don't know what happened.

I did the same thing as I did for The Passion, but I've already gotten three emails from Amazon telling me that something is off about my metadata. Apparently, if you try to print the ISBN in the book itself, it has to match the ISBN that Amazon gives you. No problem there, but when you have one book that has both the ISBN-10 and -13, and another where you only have the -13 because Amazon told you there was an issue, it drives you a little nuts. Especially because the system is so damn slow to process and with paperbacks, every time you change the content, you have to go through a formal approval process where you inspect a digital copy of the book to make sure everything looks fine but that also takes forever. So, we'll see what happens with Defining Beauty.

But, uh, pro tip for you all. If you format your file with a page size of 6"x9", and choose a slightly larger trim size for your book as a whole, you won't have to mess around as much with gutters, margins, and outsides. That was a huge pain in my ass.